Hyper-Arousal and the Inner Child

Life throws stuff at us.  Whether it's problems at work, conflicts in relationships or shortages of money, we adults inevitably have to deal with matters that are unpleasant.  The best thing to do when issues arise, is to evaluate the situation and carefully assess how much emotional energy needs to be expended to solve the problem.  Usually, the  best approach is a logical, evidence based approach in which we carefully evaluate the evidence to hand and then to respond in a manner which helps us to maintain equilibrium and equanimity. Indeed, well-functioning adults seldom panic and they trust that they will find a solution to their problems without panicking, having temper tantrums, obsessive worrying or frightened withdrawal.  In other words, they have the self-confidence to believe that their future selves will be able to regulate situations without panic and anxiety.  When it comes to panic stations, these individuals seldomly worry.  Instead, they evaluate the situation and calmly take approriate action.

Survivors of childjood abuse, whether that abuse was physical, sexual, emotional or mental  in nature, may not be able to achieve this equanimity and instead may find themselves responding inappropriately.  Bobby Deep has a "Star Trek" scale of responses to difficulties.  Amber (yellow) alert means that there is a small problem that needs attention.  An orange alert requires a moderate level of action and alertness, and finally, a red alert is a true emergency that requires swift immediate and sometimes radical action to protect wellbeing or survival.    Green is not an alert.  It simply means that all is peachy and there are currently no problems or reasons to act.  The problem with individuals who have experienced abuse in their earlier lives is that they may have learned to survive by being hypersensistive to danger cues in their environments.  For example, a mildly annoyed look in an abuser's face might have preceded a beating.  Similarly, a slight change of behaviour in an abuser might indicate the possibility of an impending sexual abuse.  Even the slightest nuance of expression might indicate the onset of a tirade of verbal abuse. Therefore, the child learns to survive by predicting these behaviours before they occur. By assessing tiny cues the frightened child was able to prepare  for the inevitable, to hide, or to placate the abuser. At the time,  these behaviours were appropriate responses to the highly inappropriate actions of powerful adults.

People who were abused or neglected in childhood may, in their adult lives, seem highly prescient -- perhaps even psychic because they are able to read the slightest cues in others, based on past patterns of behaviour and circumstance.  Accordingly, they may be able to make predictions about what will happen next or in the future.  Although seeming highly insightful, the price paid is hyper-arousal, hyper-sensitivity,  and anxiety and ultimately depression.  It may be difficult to interact with anyone in a normal manner because every human being has some level of controlled hostility within them.  However, these small and fluctuating hostility emotions are suppressed in order to live sociably and in community.  Most people ignore these tiny tells; but people with a history of abuse may find these difficult to ignore.  Therefore, every interaction could carry within it evidence of the other's instinctual hostility. These tiny cues could trigger anxiety and anticipation of some form of abuse.  Therefore, the individual could project earlier experiences onto a current interactions. Similarly, when difficulties arise, something that only warrants a yellow alert receives a rating of red.   In fact any difficulty receives this evaluation.  In some cases, a yellow alert is allocated when, in fact, all is peaceful, especially when there is a history of neglect.  Accordingly there is seldom emotional rest for such a person. 

So how to stop doing this? Surely, it should be easy to train or teach someone to become desensitized to mild hostility and subtle cues or tiny disturbances in their environments.  Surely, it should be possible to tell the individual: "Stop catastrophising everything! You are creating a storm in a teacup!"  Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) includes catastrophising as one of the cognitive distortions and therapists using this method will train their clients to recognise instances of catastrophising to help the individual control it.  Of course, there is no harm in this approach, and undoubtedly, it helps individuals.  However, Bobby Deep does not believe that this should be the whole approach.  The problem exists because one or more of the archaic selves, or inner children has suffered a trauma at an earlier time. A current event sets up resonances in our inner children who overwhelm the adult self and begin to respond to the current situation by using a solution that seemed appropriate at an earlier time.  Thus an idividual might withdraw from others, lose the temper, experience deep anxiety, worry, give up, manipulate, become ill, overeat, undereat, self-harm, indulge in some form of risky behaviour; all as a way of escaping a perceived danger.  Ancient resonances overwhelm the current situation and the individual is unable to rationally evaluate the truth of the current situation and take appropriate actions. 

How can we deal with these ancient patterns of coping that impinge on the current self?  Firstly, I believe it is helpful to enter into a healing relationship with a trained therapist who does not only subscribe to CBT.  The therapist should be skilled in entering a therapeutic relationship and help the individual relive earlier traumas in a safe environment.  By doing this, the nervous system of the individual can discharge anxiety caused by earlier trauma carried into the present.  Thus, the past and the present become integrated.  This allows for a gradual calming to occur.  If it is not possible to contract the services of a trained therapist, sometimes it is helpful to read self-help books that safely help us to make contact with our inner children. Discharging this anxiety is really key to helping the current self, overwhelmed by earlier trauma.  

There are other things that can also be done.  The breath is a wonderful reminder of life and the continuity of life.  When we take breath consciously while in a difficult situation, we remind ourselves that life goes on, that we are alive and that we continue to live.  Breathing may also help us to readjust a physical posture that may be preventing the proper circulation of blood.  The back might straighten, the neck muscles relax and all of this helps bring calm to a situation (in fact, any bodily function calms one down).  Then to place the feet firmly on the ground and to remind yourself to stand your ground and "be not afraid".  A third thing to do which is connected to the CBT methods, is to remind yourself that the anxiety is probably a resonance from the past.  That doesn't mean going into that resonance at that moment, because you need your cognition to focus on something else: the evidence at hand.  The fourth step is to evaluate the evidence objectively.  Ask yourself: "What is going on here and now?" In fact, curiosity is a great antidote to anxiety.   Here are the steps in recipe form:

(A)  Breathe and adjust posture;
(B) Ground yourselves with your feet;
(C)  Acknowledge a resonance without going into it;
(D) Evaluate the evidence with curiosity and take appropriate action.

Step C can be brought to a therapist or you can work on it by yourself later to try and understand and discharge the anxiety it might carry.  It is really helpful to listen to the voices of your inner children.  Acknowledge their hurt, frustration or confusion.  Provide support and reassurance as an adult and give them as much love as you possibly can.  Love every part of your self and value every moment of your history.   Happiness and peace from Bobby Deep.

The Inner Child

Every tree has rings that represent annual growth as the seasons alternate between times of plenty and times of scarcity.  In Summer, there is pletny of light, warmth and nutrition, while in Winter, cold keeps only the most basic functions of the tree alive, slowing growth and allowing only for the basic life functions to continue.  The outer rings represent the newest growth and are closest to the surface of the tree, while the more archaic growth lies deeply buried within the core of the tree.  Humans are not that different from trees.  What you see on the surface is the most recent self, newly formed and representing the self as it exists within the present; but what is hidden, is a long line of nested archaic selves, each of whom is as fully alive as the outer form.  Each of us is therefore both like a tree and a Russian Matryoshka doll; a set of nested selves, each of whom is fully alive and influencing how the current self, the outermost Matryoshka doll is functioning. 

 How can this be?  Surely I am not many selves?  Of course that is true.  Each of us is an undivided unity of being; but like the single tree, there is a dendrochronology -  a tree time in which the layers of the self together allow the present self to emerge, whole and apparently coherent.  However, there are many of who do not always feel very whole or coherent.  There may be a sense that there is something about the inner rings, or perhaps the not-so-inner rings that seems wrong.  Somehow or other, it may seem that these rings have not laid themselves down in a manner allowing for each new ring to rest peacefully and neatly upon the last.  It may be that one of the Matryoshka dolls embedded within the larger current self is unhappy, for lo -- we hear it crying bitterly and secretly from within the belly.  Or it may remain silent until it finds itself in the vulnerability of loving another.

The inner selves, particularly those from an earlier, more helpless and vulnerable time, may not have received the care, nurturance and kindness that they were rightfully expecting.  Perhaps, instead of nurturing, they received a slap, or worse,  a beating when they cried.  Or perhaps, expecting to be fed, were left for long swathes of time to experience unremitting hunger or thrist.  Or perhaps they were frightened and unable to deal with the loneliness brought on by neglect; or perhaps they were exposed to constant conflict between their main caregivers.  By being abused or neglected; by not learning to trust, these little inner babushkas froze in time and now will not stop crying.  We hear their muffled cries through the dendrochronological layers, but instead of listening to their suffering, we shut their cries out with: cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, music, sex, overeating, novels, movies, chocolate and parties.  This is a sad thing because that inner babushka needs to be heard and it also needs minding and care; and if it never received enough of what it needed back then,  it is in the interests of the outer Matryoshka to somehow take care of its needs in the present.

Here's the thing.  We are not trees; nor are we painted wooden dolls.  We are multi-dimensional flesh-and-blood human beings who have our joy or suffer in the present moment, and is only in the present that healing may occur. It can only occur as the present, ongoing self makes loving contact with that archaic inner child.  

Ask yourself:  if my younger four-year old self (or any other age) was here with me right now, what would he or she want?  What might they say? What would he or she need? What material things could I give that child? What emotional needs could I meet?  What assurances are needed? Perhaps you will be surprised by the reality of this little you and the  answers you might receive.  Bobby Deep can always imagine the clothing of his inner little boy.  

Love that little child at whatever age it appears to you; be aware of its flesh and blood presence.  The inner child is not a theoretical construct, but a living being; and it would do you well to take care of this child who may be influencing your overall wellbeing from the inside out.  

Situational inertia

Hello this is Bobby Deep and today I would like to explore some things that could stop us from in implementing change in our lives.

Many of us will want to implement change in our lives because we are not satisfied with the way things are.  Perhaps we want to be free of addiction, or perhaps we want to change the way we structure our days, or want to eat more healthily, or change the way we interact with people.  Inevitably we believe that changes will bring us more happiness or a better quality of life.  Indeed, we may want change because we have realised our worth.  However,  there are things that might hinder progress.

There is a force of nature called inertia.  In physics,this refers to the property of all matter that has mass, In which things that are at rest tend to remain at rest, while things that are in motion, tend to remain in motion.  Simply put, it takes energy to get something to start moving.  Similarly, it takes energy to get something to stop moving. This law seems to apply in the psychological dimensions also.  What I mean is that if you wish to initiate  a new way of being in your life, it may require that you put considerable energy into doing so.  Similarly, if you wish to stop doing something, it may also take considerable energy to stop doing it.

For example, you may have realised your sense of self-worth, or you have developed some self-esteem.  Consequently, you may have decided to mind your own well being.  Perhaps you are trying to engage more with life, or to develop your social environment.  However the people around you may not realise that something has changed  within you. At the sane time, you may no longer respond in ways you use to respond to people.  Take for example someone who has quit alcohol or smoking.  

Skull smoking a cigarette - Vincent Van Gogh  

Previously, the smoker or alcoholic may have responded to social invitations in a particular manner.  After they have withdrawn from a substance, they may no longer respond in the same manner.  Thus, the people around them may read the mew behaviours as strange or unusual.  Unfortunately, (or fortunately) these surprised friends will either withdraw their friendship or discourage the new behaviours.  This then puts the person attempting changes to return to previous unwanted behaviours. Therefore, the loss of friendships and relationships could accompany changes in self-concept or behaviour.  In fact, a changed relationship to one thing could lead to changes in other relationships.  I refer to this as situational inertia.  

All of us exist in psychological and social equilibrium.  In other words, we live in a system of interactions between ourselves and the world.  Therefore, it is not surprising that when we change something inside ourselves, that we may upset the equilibrium outside ourselves.  So do not be surprised when the changes you implement create crises for you.  These crises may occur gradually or they may occur suddenly and simultaneously.  Sometimes the stress they in evoke in us may lead us to return to previous unwanted attitudes, beliefs and behaviours.  

So how can we avoid this problem?  One way to avoid this kind of situational inertia, is too predict and to plan for it.  In other words, we need to have a roadmap for change that includes the possibility that the relationships we have formed, may change as we change our relationships to other things in our lives.  It also involves trusting that we will be open to new and more healthy relationships.  In short, it means that we need to have courage.  But courage does not exclude the possibility of being gentle and tender with ourselves. Each of us has immeasurable value, and each of us has a right to implement changes to make us more whole.  

When everything seems to be going wrong, it's important to ask ourselves the question is this because I have changed my relationship to something?  In fact, what seems catastrophic at one instant in time may, on reflection, later prove to be a blessing in disguise.  I invite you to conduct a thought experiment.  Think back to your past And remember a time when something catastrophic happened.  At the time, you may have thought the event was something awful and terrible.  Now try and imagine your life without that event having occurred.  I suggest that in many cases you will realise that the catastrophic event was in fact a catalyst for an opportunity or for something good.  You are probably aware of the saying that when one door closes another door opens.  I have experienced people saying this to me in the past, and found a little flippant.  However, when I look back, it's  inevitably true.  I am not denying that bad things can happen and do have long-term term negative consequences.  However, it is useful to think back and reflect on how something catastrophic turned out to be positive in the long term.

So I am urging courage on your part, and I am asking you to consider that what You see as catastrophic may in fact not be.  Perhaps this universe In which we find ourselves is actually quite a friendly place!  I wish you warmth and goodness.   

Narcissistic Rage

Hello it's Bobby Deep here again and I have decided to discuss something that I find both  interesting and quite disturbing.  In one of my previous posts I wrote about narcissism and people who are narcissistic.  In this post I would like to write anout the kinds of things that could happen when narcissism dominates the personality of the individual.

I will start with the usual caveat that all people have some level of narcissism in them. Indeed, a certain level of selfishness is necessary for the purposes of self-preservation and survival.  However, we need to also show some selflessness in order to function socially.  Although Immediate selfishness may bring short term pay-offs, its overuse may sabotage any long term benefits.  In a way, selflessness and giving to others helps guarantee our embededness within a particular social context over a longer period.  In other words, those who are kind are more likely to have kindness shown to them.  Of course, this is not guaranteed.  But perhaps kindness has evolved to provide us with credit in our social account and thus promotes longevity.  However, people who have stronger narcissistic traits have great difficulty trusting that short term giving without a corresponding immediate pay back might result in longer term pay offs.  

In order to identify what such individuals might look like,  i am providing som typical traits below.  

(A) A poorly developed or absent sense of empathy;  they have feelings of their own but struggle or don't care to imagine  what another is feeling.  

(B)  A sense of misplaced grandiosity;  a sense of superiority and being better than others;

(C) A sense of entitlement;

(D) Exploitativeness; 

(E)  Self-centredness;  the conversation must focus on them;

(F) Lack of forgiveness;

You will find different ways of characterising this problem, but these seem the most salient to me.  In the past, this kind of individual would have been called a megalomaniac. If these traits are pronounced enough,  the person could be said to have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).  However, such a diagnosis is a very serious matter and should only be conducted  by qualified individuals.  Usually, five out of nine traits need to be firmly present for such a diagnosis.

Narcissists can be very charming and often very pleasant on the eye.  Also, they have every appearance of being a typical nice guy or gal, without any obvious negative characteristics.  But they are excellent mimics and know exactly how to act in a social situation, by presenting an amalgam of personality characteristics that are replicated from other people. Ironically, although they see themselves as unique, the personality they portray is a hodge-podge of others' personalities. Nevertheless, this amalgam is extremely hard to detect and only those with finely honed phoniness detectors will sense they are speaking to a synthetic persona. 

Sadly, the real person behind the mask exists only in a stunted or vestigial form.

  

Smeagol in The Lord of the Rings, reminds me of the Narcissistic vestigial self. 

This ossified genuine self is unable to present itself to the world but has its needs obtained by controlling its simulacrum.    It is hungry for one thing and one thing only:  a constant supply of unconditional positive attention from whomever the narcissist believes has the credibility to issue such regard and praise.  They therefore suck up to their betters and vilify their apparent inferiors. 

Narcissists could move the people in their lives around like objects without regard for their needs.  In fact, the needs of others play no part in the calculations narcissists make with regard to the best yields of positive attention.  One thing is certain: they do it for themselves and for no one else.  Therefore,  they are extremely selfish and stingy and are likely to be in complete control of finances..  Often, the gifts narcissists give are given to keep the target "sweet" or hooked; and these gifts will often be a little  off-target with regard to the likes and preferences of the rare recipient.  The narcissist is often a poor gift giver because it is too effortful to imagine what someone else might like or want.  Even when given precise instructions, they might get it wrong, some believe because they deliberately want to torture the recipient.  But I think this is more likely due to a reluctance to prioritise the other's needs; as torture requires imagining what might frustrate the gift recipient.  In contrast, they are very aware of their own frustrations.

Narcissists cannot and do not tolerate even the smallest amount of criticism without becoming enraged. Rage is not anger.  Rage is the experience of suddenly and unexpectedly loss of power.  Being accustomed to controlling their supply of positive attention and regard, and obsequious placating behaviours from others, any departure from established patterns can severely unhinge the narcissist.  This is very exhausting for the people who live with or  who relate to them. It is impossible to be genuine with them and to give them honest  feedback about your feelings about them or their specific behaviours, because you will elicit a rage response.  This rage is likely to be absolute, hateful and deeply unsettling for the recipient,whether  the rage is cold or more outspoken.  Such toxic displays of rage can have consequences to the well-being of others.  Thus the narcissist who is unable to express who they really are, force others to do the same. 

Here are a few more behaviours that you might see with someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder or tendencies towards it. They choose to have relationships with people who have some form of vulnerability.  However it is very important for them to choose people who also have some claim to fame or some set of skills or social recognition. Narcissist always do their homework before engaging in any form of relationship with anyone.  So for example, they might use search engines or social networking websites to find a target's CV, This enables them to check out a target's social value.  They could become obsessed with an individual in this process.  It's a type of infatuation which precedes the actual meeting with individual.  When they eventually do meet up with the person or manipulate the target  into some form of interaction, they are completely infatuated with that individual, and may very quickly learn what the other person needs from a psychological perspective.  Then, they will proceed to act in a manner that meets the needs of the target. Thus the narcissist presents the target with a very potent set of social behaviours that addict the target. For example, the  target may feel completely understood and that they have found somebody who really meets their needs. Accordingly, their  defences will fall and this is precisely what upsets  the narcissist. 

As the target's defences come down, the narcissist starts despising the target. Being unable themselves to enter a vulnerable state in which the true self can  be shown, the narcissist is disturbed by the target's vulnerability.  The annoyance caused  by this loss of an idealised object leads the narcissist to start undermining the target and to withdraw any form of affection.  Unfortunately the target is now addicted to the narcissist and is likely to experience withdrawal symptoms.  Most likely these individuals will then engage in placatory or begging behaviour to try and coax the original behaviours out of the narcissist. But this only serves to enrage them further as a sign of phoniness: their idealised target is now a whimpering, begging fool; someone who deserves only contempt.  Ironically, the phoney barcissist, unable to present a true self to the   world cannot integrate the strengths and weaknesses of their idealised target.  In other words, they cannot see them as a blend of strength and vulnerability because for the narcissist there is only either good or bad, black or white, with no intermediate gradations.  Nor is there an understanding of process and how time regulates process.

If the target has the audacity to criticise him, the narcissist will punish the target by either withdrawing completely or engaging in utter vilification and enraged vituperative language, the force of which stands in stark contrast to the original obsessed infatuation. However, this rage does not only damage the target but also the narcissist.  As they engage in splitting the personality of the target from idealised to vilified, they themselves become split from the position of infatuated joy to a primal sense of frustration and rage which takes a toll on them.  

Although very toxic, these individuals cannot be said to be evil. They can however cause a lot of unnecessary suffering.  Unfortunately, their personality development has been stunted at quite an early age, either by neglect, over exposure to parental conflict or exposure to parents who were unable to teach the child to regulate their feelings and emotions, mostly because they neglected the child's needs. 

If you believe you have been exposed to a narcissist I suggestion you get some psychotherapeutic assistance to help you deal with your feelings and to work out strategies that support you.  Similarly, if you recognise traits of narcissism in yourself, realise that awareness is not enough.  Seek help and be one of the few who do something to try and free themselves from the painful cycles of infatuation, devaluing, rage and disappointment.  Become healthier, balanced and more functional as you seek to heal and love your true hidden self. 

All or Nothing Thinking

Although I have criticised Cognitive BehaviouralTherapy (CBT), it has some fantastic tools that allow one to challenge your thinking.  Briefly, CBT is based on the idea that much of our suffering is due to distorted thinking and faulty logic.  As you know, I believe that it is not enough to address faulty logic without also addressing relationships.  However, let's assume that you are taking care of that side of things, and look at one distorted thought process, namely "All or Nothing" thinking, which is also called "Black and White" thinking.

All  or nothing thinking happens when an individual characterises an object, the self or others as either totally wonderful or completely evil, without recognising that all things and people exist on continua that vary according to:

 (a) context;

(b)  stages of a process/development

(c) energy/resource availability;

(d) short term and long term needs;

(e) insight and knowledge.

In general,  nothing is perfect or imperfect because, as the Buddhists say, everything is in a constant state of flux; everything is changing; and everything that exists is in process. The notion of perfection or imperfection is a human construct which assumes that there is some pre-existing and overarching standard or pattern, separate from the human collective consciousness, against which things and people can be tested.  

This assumption is probably rooted in our primitive instincts.  As a newborn, we are only able to experience the absolute joy of having our needs met (nursing); or being utterly overwhelmed by our immediate needs being unmet (crying for the breast).  These ideas were first put forward by Melanie Klein, an English psychoanalytic theorist in the early 20th Century, who is credited as being the first children's psychotherapist and who wrote on the topic of "object relations". She wrote about how the reflexive infant splits experiences into a good breast or a bad breast.  This splitting results in the infant existing in binary states and in which they are either experiencing either total joy or total suffering.  Thus both the part representation of the mother (breast) and the self are split into two.  

Crying in response to hunger holds survival value because it signals need.  However, as time passes,  the infant who has his needs met learns that the breast sometimes provides and sometimes withholds;  and the developing personality learns to trust the process of life.  Freud said that depending on the quality of care, people carry with them into adulthood either a hostile or idealised infantile prototype.  In other words he noticed that individuals exist on a continuum that ranges from a tendency to project an ideal onto other people, or they project hostility (evil) onto others.  

Some people switch suddenly between these extremes, without integrating people or situations into their grey in-betweens which depend, I believe, on the factors I mentioned in the list above.  

Therefore, awareness of all or nothing thinking challenges us to see things in a balanced way.  In order to be whole,happy and Integrated we need to be able to see things in and people as wholes and in constant process.  By avoiding black and white thinking, we are better able to respond to things as they really are, rather than what we believe they should or should not be.  This requires the nurturing of gentleness and kindness towards ourselves and to others.

Administrationalism and its Relentless Drag on the Advancement of Civilisation

Bobby Deep has never been a fan of beaurocracy. Besides from the obvious inconvenience of jumping through paper hoops like a circus poodle,  he doesnt like the pernicious power of administrative systems that take away from the power and efficiency of the core business of any creative endeavour.  

Of course businesses and public services need administrative systems to make them work.  But uncontrolled administrationalism I believe is one of the central reasons why many state-run endeavours are in trouble worldwide in this early part of the 21st Century.

Let me tell you a story.  There are many similar stories, but hopefully, it will highlight one of the biggest problems we face in this amazing era of science and technology.

The Diabetes Unit

Once upon a time there was a diabetes unit in a beautiful kingdom.  It was staffed by five very cable specialist doctors and two rehab therapists.  The unit was very busy and had one administrator and two secretarial staff.  The unit was busy but functional and the people working there were happy.  

One day, the national health executive decided to restructure the then-current unit system to an "integrated health flow system", a term coined by the minister of health who thought it was a very good idea. He had after all won his seat in parliament on the slogan: 'Modern efficiency for all!.'

A wise wizard had let the minister of health know that the latest international buzzwords was "integrated health flow system".  So he decided that such a system was necessary.  It needed specialist administrators and accordingly created new administrative posts for ex-units. Posts were advertised, and as you may expect, most existing administrators re-applied for there own jobs.  None of them got these posts and each was faced with a choice:  leave or accept a sideways demotion. Salaries would remain the same, so most opted for the latter option.  

It was a busy time.  The new administrators were hired, and unsurprisingly, they proceeded to implement new "quality and flow efficiency measures" and a raft of new policies for the clinicians to follow.  For example,  they noted that all the clinicians used paper files and so implemented new computer systems to augment the paper file systems.  This meant that all clinicians had to keep paper AND computer records.  In addition, in line with new policies, doctors had to fill in new pink forms for each test they ordered with a clear rationale for the order.  On receipt of the test, the doctor would need to fill in a green form and a duplicate computer form to prove that results had been actioned.

The therapists had to follow similar protocols.  Instead of direct ordering via secretarial staff, therapists were now required to make orders to the central head office for health appliances.  For example if a therapist had to order 50 pressure gadgets they had to be ordered on the computer system which would issue an order number. Each gadget would be assigned a serial number which would be allocated to a particular computer file on fitting, and accordingly the therapist's stock would be updated.  

On occasions, the central office would forward an order to a manufacturer who might only be able to fulfill a partial order. Thus only 40 out of 50 appliances might arrive, but unfortunately it would be only possible to accept a whole order on the computer and impossible to allocate appliances to patient files without full accepting of the stock.  Thus the therapist would need to keep a special discrepancies log.  

Therapists complained that they were spending a full day a week managing stock and computer systems but the new administrator felt that the secretarial staff were already overwhelmed processing the new pink and green forms the doctors were now completing.  The new administrator felt that a new secretary was justified on a part time basis to cope with the heavy administrative load of the local diabetes health flow system.  The new secretary would manage the growing waiting list and act as a public relations officer for the growing number of complaints from the public.

In the mean time, the previous administrator decided It was time to implement a quality review program of the health flow system. Subsequently each member of staff would have to complete a detailed review of their health practices within the system and justify the use of each hour of their work week.  The second administrator had his eye on a new post in head office and was pleased of the opportunity to implement a quality improvement planned for the system.  All medical staff found that their work week has lengthened and that they were  working overtime without extra pay.  Waiting lists had also lengthened and the minister of health couldn't understand why both costs and waiting list had almost doubled. It just dint make sense. So he decided to send an auditor to the diabetes unit to sort matters out... 

A decision was taken to create a moratorium on new posts.  So when one secretary took maternity leave, her post was not covered.  Similarly, when a doctor and therapist each took sick leave for anxiety-related illness, they could not be replaced.

The End.

The story you have read is what I believe is one of the key factors that makes living in the 21st century often so frustrating.  It paints a picture of what I believe often happens in modern work systems; and which results in a bloated and expensive public service.  Not to mention the human stress, the waste of time, and the control of professions by people who have no real concept of the actual purpose of the work carried out.  The consequences of this are as follows:

1.  Severely decreased availability of funds for core-business activities, like continuing professional development of coal-face staff.  

2.  Reduced funds for updating instrumentation and new methods.

3.  Demoralisation and consequent suppression of innovation and research by workers.

4.  Burnout, exhaustion, illness and an increase in error rates.

5. A rise in customer alienation and dissatisfaction.

6.  Decision -making about and prioritization of core-business activities either forced or heavily influenced by unqualified administrators. What some people call the tail wagging the dog.

It really is disheartening that in this age of science, technological advancement and amazing discovery, that administrationalism is dragging its feet kicking and screaming into the future.  Bobby Deep, doesn't complain often, but he ain't got no time for dat.  

Making Friends with the Shadow

Hi this is Bobby Deep again, and this time I would like to write about something a little darker.  I am referring to the Shadow, something that dwells in the unconscious mind of every person.

When the sun, or indeed any source of light shines onto an object, it casts a  darkness where it has not been able to penetrate.  Light is usually symbolic of safety, warmth, certainty and wakefulness; while shadows represent uncertainty, being unprepared, danger and the unknown.  This is because we instinctively know that it is possible for shadows to harbour any number of lurking things that might upset our certainty, peace and equanimity.  Let me unhinge you a little and suggest a few:  spiders in the cupboard, scorpions in the shoe,  intruders in a dark room, a creepy alleyway, a mouse scampering into a dark space, conspirators in a dark room plotting something evil...

It was Friedrich Schelling, an 18th Century German philosopher who put forward that the mind has an unconscious element, that is not open to ordinary awareness.  Coleridge brought the idea to England.  Freud incorporated this idea into his own theories, and Jung, his student, extended the idea into two parts, the personal unconscious, and the collective unconscious.  The latter incorporating universal patterns and symbols, which he called archetypes.  

Jung believed that our animal nature (instinct) gradually became superseded by the conscious mind as we grow up. Elements of ourselves which are not conducive to social living go into the unconscious.  But these elements exert an influence.  Similarly, the archetypes in the collective unconscious shape the way humans live their lives and relate to others. 

These archetypes exist in every human culture and represent instinctual wholes -- patterns that govern the way we collectively understand reality.  Examples of archetypes include:  The Mother,  the Warrior,  the Lover, the King, the Adventurer, the Wise old Woman, the Virgin.  But each of these archetypes in the collective unconscious, have their darker sides:  the Mother could be the Step-mother, such as in the story of Hansel and Gretel; the King could be the Tyrant; the Wise Old Woman  could be the Witch, and so forth.  In some ways everything that is unconscious dwells in the Shadow.

These patterns or archetypes allow anyone to perform actions associated with an archetype.  To illustrate, even the most hardened criminal, faced with an abandoned little baby in a basket would probably be able to nurture and mind the baby for a while, in any case.  The archetype of Mother would become activated and the criminal would be able to keep the baby warm and possibly even feed it something appropriate.  In other words, the shadow Mother could be brought into the conscious mind of the unsuspecting criminal and to the surprise of everyone. They might ask him: "How did you know what to do?"  Another example that I find so amusing is when straight men dress up as women for a fancy-dress and in some cases somehow find it in themselves to inhabit one of the female archetypes in a really convincing way. 

I can think of many things that could exist in the shadow that are anti-social:  Murderous rage, spitefulness, unfettered sexuality (Freud would be proud of me), taking what belongs to others; and even milder things like not washing yourself, picking your nose, farting in a lift and eating like a pig.  

But other, non antisocial elements can also exist in the shadow.  Take for example the little child who likes to sing and gets told by someone significant: "Stop that screeching!" or the child proudly displays a painting and gets told: "That doesn't look like a horse!  You'll never be an artist!" or when the child expresses a need or a feeling, is smacked or told to quit it.  These events mean the individuality of the child's personality become stuffed into the unconscious.  Twenty years later, that same individual might say things like: "Oh, all I can draw is a stickman." Or, "Don't let me sing; all I can do is croak!"  And more worryingly, that same person might have learned to suppress their own needs, thoughts and feelings; or have never realised their value and unalienable worth.  What then happens is they either fall in love with those who display the qualities they have suppressed in themselves;  or they become envious of those same people -- or worse, they express hatred or extreme irritation at these people.

I have an interesting thought-experiment for you:  think of someone you really like and list the things you really like about that person...  Now take these qualities and just notice how these qualities exist in some perhaps-vestigial form within yourself.  Here's another one:  do the same with someone you really dislike.  Isn't it amazing how the things you dislike in others are in your very own self, lurking in the shadows of your personality!

I believe that we become wholer and stronger when we acknowledge and maybe even befriend these hidden and cast-away aspects of ourselves.  Value who you are.  Love everything about you, even those broken and lurking bits, hidden in the darkness of your mind.

Text Messaging and its Poverty to Convey Whole Messages

Text messaging, also know as SMS-ing, has revolutionised the social world in useful and not-so-useful ways. 

On the one hand, texting is a form of telepathy, allowing the owner of a mobile/cell phone to instant influence on the thoughts of someone who may be as close as the next room, or someone as far away as a different continent. It allows us to plan our social lives, notify us of important matters in a very short space of time and to spread information quickly and efficiently.  However, texting is not suitable for sharing emotional information, or communicating who we truly are, in most cases. 

This is because communication is a multilayered process which is partly dependent on a relationship.  Most people understand communication using a conduit model.  To explain, they see communication as a simple coding and decoding process, equated with information exchange.  Often, the relationship between two people is negated in this process.  And everyone knows that relationships are complex things.  When we communicate we are not only exchanging information and thoughts.  We also communicate emotional information which is conveyed through voice, gesture and facial expression.  These elements add to our communication attempts In ways that conveys a deeper level of information.  

Unfortunately, the nature of texting does not allow for easy and efficient communication of emotions and nuances of feeling.  Although it is very suited to conveying thoughts but it is not very good at conveying unconscious elements, which may accompany our thoughts.  When we speak our voices can be monotonous or we could have a smiling voice, gentle voice, angry voice, a doubtful voice or a worried voice.  Although smiley use may convey part of this information, they are very blunt instruments when it comes to expressing how we feel about what we think.  There are some obvious consequences to this problem.

Firstly, sometimes people say things in a humorous way meaning to say a joke, but a joke may fall flat when the emotions of the voice and in the face and gesture are unexpressed.  People use jokes when emotions are charged to deflate a difficult interaction.  But jokes can seem sarcastic and lead to further charging.  Therefore, arguments and disagreements can be poorly conducted using the medium of text. The use of a smiley allows us to convey part of our conscious feelings but do not facilitate the unconscious thoughts and processes available in face-to-face communication.  Accordingly, communication can fall flat.  I know some people who have broken relationships because of this problem.  It is always better to communicate face-to-face.  Texts ate better used to convey factual information or very basic conversation.  Certainly, lovers should only use texting to convey place time and date information.  Even the use of "xxx" or "❤" can be misconstrued and loaded, because these symbols arrive cold onto the receiver's screen, unaccompanied by the nuances of the unconscious mind that modulate them and make them truly meaningful.

Then there is the problem of time. Admittedly it is mostly a thrill to receive a text.  I love receiving them.  The problem is, people send texts during a break or when they have free time to people who might be on the go, or engaged in a task that requires their full attention; or they may be asleep; or their phone has discharged; or  they may be working out; or engaged in any number of activities.  That means they cannot reply immediately, and that timing mismatch could cause the sender to worry that they may have been dismissed.  That is because silence carries no information, and the sender is then uncertain as to the cause of a non response and may then engage in negative story-telling to themselves in the absence of feedback.

Related to this, is the issue of intrusiveness.  Most people, especially introverts, need time to recover from social interactions, and this has always been achieved by saying "good-bye", "catch ya later", "until we meet again".  Pauses between friends and lovers allow for each to recover, experience their own lives, and subsequently have news to share when they next encounter each other.  It also allows sensitivity to each to be reset and for missing and longing to be activated.  However, texting could interfere with this process and create a sort of familiarity which could, in some cases, lead to contempt.  We all need some privacy, now and again.

And of course, never forget the ever-present danger of sending a text to the wrong person!  Examples are legion on the net, and some can be quite funny!

I have a hierarchy of communication media starting with the most effective to the least effective:

(A)  Face-to-face

(B)  video-conferencing

(C) telephone

(D) Letter writing on paper

(E) E-mail

(F)  Texting/SMS 

Interestingly, the media towards the top of the list require more commitment and energy than  those towards the bottom.  When communicating with another person or persons, it is always important to consider which of the communication media is best suited and most efficient to convey your message clearly and effectively.  

Finally,  I would ask you to seriously consider if it is worth the trouble arguing or settling disputes in the medium of text.  

Constructing a true Self

After writing the piece on Narcissism, I got thinking about what is actually real about people?  Is it possible to truly love an essence of someone or the "real" self?  After all, an essence, is not actually tangible.  

In a way, we are compelled to relate to some form of representation of the person which dwells in our own minds.  It seems we construct a model -- a story of who that person is, and that story can exist in a range of states on a continuum from complete fantasy to something approaching the truth.  Moreover, that person has a model of self which represents who they think they are, from the inside out.  We all construct these  representations of ourselves based on our memories of experience, but these constructions may also be wishful, biased and influenced by circumstances,  irrational beliefs about motives, other people's motives and how others have treated us in the past.  We call that construct "I".   The construct of the other is "you".  

That is the reason why we value truth, in theory anyway.  I want to build up a faithful model of reality in my mind of the world around me and of myself.  I want to know how things really are. I believe that relationships break down when people stop allowing others to form faithful constructs of who they are, either because they do not like who they think they are in themselves, or they have been hurt in such a manner that means they are unable to show their wounds to the other in fear they will open them up, or reject them.

Therapy occurs when a sanctioned healer, the therapist, promises to look at wounds without flinching and without making them worse by using their own power to damage further.  Then the therapist helps the person see the wounds for what they are without judgement in as gentle a way as is possible. 

Friendships can also serve this function.  Our true friends are gentle with us and help us to authenticall communicate who we are.  They do not judge or undermine our deepest feelings and thoughts. And to be a good friend, it is necessary to have that quality of acceptance of the other's story which engenders trust and the truest expression of the other's self.  

The Tragedy of Narcissism

What kinds of things could potentially keep us from finding love?  I think that one of the causes of this is the awful malady of Narcissism.  

This lovely image is a painting by the famous renaissance painter, Michelangelo.  It depicts Narcissus gazing at an image of himself in a shallow pool of water. In the ancient story brought to us through the ages by Ovid, this entrancement occurs shortly after Narcissus spurns the advances of Echo.  In other versions of the story, Narcissus spurns the advances of a male lover.  In any case, this act of rejection angers one of the ancient Greek Goddesses,  Nemesis, who is the deity of revenge.  She decides to lead him to the pool into which he stares wistfully in the image above. There, under the vengeful spell of Nemesis, he falls in love with his own image, thinking that it is real.  Because it is simply an irreal reflection of himself, the relationship is doomed to fatal disappointment.  Poor Narcissus dies, presumably of heartbreak. 

What is central to this story is that Narcissus is doomed to suffer because he falls in love with a representation, a facsimile of himself, rather than a real person or even his own true essence.  The coded meaning transmitted to us from the Ancient Greeks is a warning of the pointlessness of loving image over essence; seeming instead of authenticity; rejecting what is real and tangible for what is imagined and phony.

I find it awfully sad that Narcissus exists in utter delusion: he is convinced by enchantment that the object of his love is real; and he has no insight whatsoever into the depth of his false perceptions. It's as if he has rejected this world of things and people, instead favouring a mirror world.  

It always annoys me when I think of this story is how interfering Nemesis is. A busybody, she has decided to inflict psychosis onto someone merely because he expressed a preference against someone.  Surely it is everyone's right to say no?  What was it about Narcissus' spurning of Echo that made it necessary for an immortal to interfere and lead a mortal to despair?  I suppose it is impossible to know as the story probably arrived at Ovid in many forms from an even earlier time.

The problem of Narcissism is the mistaken belief that it is necessary to assign value and meaning to an outward form; to imbue significance to a signifier rather than to the signified; to think the box is better than the chocolates inside; to want to associate with a placeholder, rather than the genuine article itself; to think a mask is the true face of the heart.

In today's world, Nemesis is advertising.  It often promotes valuing the worth of the brand over the product.  Moreover we are bombarded with air-brushed images providing us with perfect ideals which cannot be attained. And in all of this, self-worth and genuine care and love are the casualties.  Because if the image cannot be loved then what remains-to love?  If the core essence is so invisible, then it remains unloved and eventually withers.

I believe that Narcissism results from not learning to value your real needs, feelings and thoughts as a youngster.  This could happen either through neglect, abuse, the lack of enough affection, and conditional love from parental figures.  Children learn that they need to do or be something perfect in order to receive attention and affection. Or they learn that their needs and feelings and thoughts are powerless to help them achieve their needs.  So, they take up a strategy, usually a beauty strategy to get the attention they'd crave.  For example, they may always be dieting, sometimes to the point of emaciation; or they might spend three hours a day on make-up or dressing just right, or doing their hair so it is just perfect, all for a walk to the corner shop for a loaf of bread! 

Sadly, this is because they have learned that they have no value in and of themselves.  Their self-worth is very unrealised.  Instead, their sense of worth is related to a representation of themselves. If someone loves this representation, they might be flattered, but will never accept love of their true self because they have obscured it from view, preferring to present a mask.

The obvious solution is to always be yourself.  However, I believe that it requires a positive relationship with someone to learn to love the true essence of the self.  This may take the work of a professional carer, in the form of a therapist who may need to provide that relationship of positivity in which the thoughts, feelings and needs of the individual are validated. In other words, the individual needs to be taught how to honour their own essence. But don't go knocking on Nemesis' temple door for help!  A gentle approach is needed.

Self-esteem

Hi!  Bobby Deep here again.  I want to discuss self-esteem today because it's an interesting topic and i know its a problem for many people, myself included.  

I believe that although self-worth and self-esteem are mutually dependant,  they are quite different things.  As I explained very briefly in my previous post, self worth should be a given; something unearned, and the right of all Humans.  By virtue of simply existing, you have value, and that means you can think, feel and experience. It's the law.  You have the right to be!  And let no one convince you otherwise!

Self-esteem emanates from self-worth.  Once you realise you have incalculable and unearned value, it is possible to make an impact on the world; to do something with your being; to change the world around you.  In short, to work at something.

One of the great poets of the last century, Kalhil Gibran, wrote, "Work is love made visible."  I love that sentiment. I believe that self esteem comes from a realised sense of worth that then becomes expressed in some form of doing.  While self-worth is about valuing your own being and existence, self-esteem is about valuing your doing.  

Some people struggle to find their power in doing and life does them.  They struggle to know what they should do with their lives, and become stuck and bored.  Consequently, they become frustrated and miserable, because they don't know how to express their lives in something meaningful.

If this is you, then I advise you to ponder on the concept of value.  Here are some questions to ask yourself:  

What do I like?  What do I value? What values do I believe in?  If you believe in the value of say truth, or justice or even fun, then how are these values translated into principles in your life?  A value is an ideal which is unending and perfect.  But how could that value be made operational into something tangible by you.  

Take the value of beauty.  If beauty is something you value, then how can you bring beauty to the world?  Perhaps you could learn art and draw or paint; or you could start gardening; or write poetry; or sculpt; or knit; or take up beauty therapy; or just go for a walk in nature and take photographs to share.  Knowing what you value and like; knowing what you feel and think about your existence, will help you know how to be in the world.  

When you have done something that expresses what you like and value, you will experience self-esteem.  I think Kalhil Gibran was right, but I also think work is truth made visible, beauty made visible, justice made visible, fun made visible.  Can you think of any other values I have left out?  And if you can, what principles can you enact to bring this value directly and tangibly into your life? I would love to read your ideas!  

Self-worth and Value

I have often pondered what is the meaning of self-worth, self esteem and self love.  I get the impression that many people think these concepts are very similar.  But I see self-worth as something very different to self-esteem.  I find the concept of self-worth the most intriguing.  I believe it is related to the concept of value.  

On a grand scale, this tiny planet Is an insignificant speck in an enormous universe. To illustrate, there are about  200 billion stars in the Milky Way which in turn seems to be part of a universe of 100 billion galaxies.  So our individual lives are insignificant in comparison to the enormity of a massive universe.  Yet, by law and convention, the value of a human life, at least in this tiny parish of the universe has been determined to be infinite, at least in theory.  This is illustrated by the sanctions on murder. The murder of a king or the murder of a begger, are in most law systems equally punishable. 

In fact, every human being has in theory an equal right to experience life.  And that experience consists of sensations, feelings, thoughts and consciousness.  Any attempt to deprive a human of these things is considered illegal and the deprivation of all of them is murder.

Therefore every person has the right to experience through thoughts,feelings and sensations.  As a society we know that the removing of such things is detrimental to freedom and life itself.

So how does this relate to self-worth?  

Well I believe that humans need to be  appraised of their infinite worth, by convention.  That means from childhood, parents and carers need to teach children that their feelings, thoughts and sensations are the basis of their consciousness and life; and that they are valued. 

If children are taught to reject their own experiences, thoughts and feelings, it means they are taught that they are not valuable. If children are not valued in a real, obvious  and direct, way,  they will never understand their own value, and they will struggle to understand their worth.  The problem with not understanding your worth is that you end up allowing others, or even encouraging others to treat you as an individual of low worth.  That includes slavery, physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse, staying in unequal relationships, supporting abusive partners,and so forth.  It also involves withdrawal from sources of nurturance and help, avoiding love and friendships and being narcissistic.

If you find yourself being subservient to another, permitting abuse directed at yourself, allowing others to use you, or constantly take from your pool of resources, it is probably because you have low self worth and have never been appraised of your infinite worth.  Similarly, if you are obsessed with your looks, your clothing, your hair, your physical appearance, weight and so forth, then you are not valuing yourself, but instead the imagined image of yourself.  

The great thing about human value and the right to be,  is that you have nothing to do with it in the sense that it cannot be earned, nor can it be lost.  Every human has, by convention (and also in many religious traditions), incalculable worth or value.  Hence, the severest prohibitions on murder. The murder of the lowest of the low is potentially as punishable as the murder of a king.

So what if you have low self-worth?  What can you do?  Quite frankly nothing, in the sense of increasing your worth.  All you can do is realise worth, or not realise it.  That does not change your inalienable right to think, feel and be, regardless of who you are or what you have done. Therefore, developing self worth is really a process of realisation, rather than a doing of something.  It's about believing that you are valuable, incalculably so, and that there is nothing anyone can do to take that away, including yourself.

A critique of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), is a type of psychotherapy in which the therapist helps the client to idientify their distorted thoughts, evaluate how these thoughts impact on the individual's life, and then helps the individual make changes to their behaviours by challenging their thought patterns.  This is a laudable goal and is a method of psychotherapy that has proven success and for this reason, medical insurance is likely to cover it as part of a medical plan.  Being a skeptic myself, I believe that medical insurances would cover this kind of therapy because it is usually completed in about ten sessions.  People's behaviours change, and they seem to cope better with their lives.  This stands in opposition to other forms of psychotherapy which take much longer.  For example, integrative psychotherapy might involve years of therapy, as might psychodynamic psychotherapy and many of the more traditional forms of therapy.  This isn't good news for health insurers, because it does not satisfy their needs for quick, medical types of treatments for problems such as depression, anxiety, phobias and various types of neuroses.  It kind of fits into a neat model of healing in which a specific cause has a specific effect on the individual; and if this cause can be identified and rooted out, then a cure can be found.  This presupposes a very mechanistic understanding of the human mind.  Don't get me wrong, I am not against CBT at all.  In fact, it has helped me a great deal at times. But I am nearly certain that it is actually the positive relationship between the therapist and the client that actually promotes healing; or at least allows the client to actually take the content of the therapy half-way seriously.
What I find fascinating about psychotherapy in general is that there are hundreds of flavours of it, and when they do efficacy studies on these hundreds of therapies, they all seem to work, regardless of the model of intervention.  It is astounding that they all seem to have a positive impact on the individual who attends for them.  Yet each therapy will inevitably doggedly insists that its own particular theory  or brand of approach is the causative agent in the healing process.  But if you look at what is common to all these verbal psychotherapies, you will see that it is in fact a relationship with a sanctioned healer.  In order to heal, people need a positive relationship with someone.  And in my opinion, that means the following:
(a) someone who will give the individual their full attention
(b) someone who provide the client with positive social signals (such as listening)
(c) someone who will validate the client's experience of suffering, the client's thoughts, the client's feelings
(d) someone who expresses belief in the client's goodness

and does all of these things in a manner which is believable to the client.   This is strengthened if the therapist has a high social ranking, such as a title like Dr. or Prof.

Although I do believe that working with irrational thoughts with a client may be useful, the therapist/clinician is invariably telling the client: "there is something wrong in your thinking; you need to think in this correct, rational way."  I don't think this is really possible unless underlying relational issues are tackled.  If the therapist is stern, non-emotional and acts as a teacher, giving these rational thoughts to the client, they will not be taken up.  If the therapist has the qualities I have mentioned above, then the client might pay attention to the method and get better, regardless of the new thought patterns.

Introduction Blog

Hi.  My name is Bobby Deep and I am a psychologist living in the Republic of Ireland.  This bog, I mean blog, will involve discussions about various topics such as psychology, philosophy, personal development, interpersonal relationships, explanations of behaviours, personality, political critique, stress reduction, power, meditation, atheism, humanism, religion, and so forth.  All the things that might be important to a lot of people.  In any case, this is just a brief introduction to say a little about myself, and I suspect that nobody will read this until I get going with the business of blogging.  

I love the Myers-Briggs personality profiling system, which is partially based on Jungian psychology. In this system I am an INFJ.  That stands for introverted, intuitive, feeler who evaluates.  Each of the for letters can be in one of two positions: 

Introverted/Extroverted (I/E) meaning you either avid or seek out stimulation on the basis of high or low levels of internal arousal.

Intuitive/Sensate (N/S) meaning you either value intuitions (patterns) or you value immediate sensoryevidence.

Thinking/Feeling (T/F) meaning you value Thoughts more or feelings more.

Judging/Perceiving (J/P) meaning you are likely to either evaluate and create order, or perceive things as they are without acting on them necessarily.   Thus the J tends to be more orderly and neat while the P tends to organised chaos.

Well that's my interpretation of the system in a nutshell.

Another thing about myself is that I'm partially sighted and use a long white can in poor light.  More about that later.

I have never really blogged before, because I realise that the human word as written down or spoken has vast power.  Moreover, ideas spread, there are repercussions to what is said, and to write a blog carries some responsibility with it.  I have so often wistfully observed the freedom many people have in expressing their true ideas, without giving a second thought to the fact that they are enacting a basic human right:  The freedom to speak freely.  I admit that I have envied these individuals, who take this right for granted.  As a person with a fair share of my own responsibilities, I have always feared that if I spoke my true thoughts, that some would find them distasteful, heretical, upsetting, and at worst, subversive; and that there would be tangible repercussions for my wellbeing and security.  But I have decided that part of realising my own value is the freedom to think and to feel and to believe what I think, feel and believe.  Too many people on this planet remain silent.