Situational inertia

Hello this is Bobby Deep and today I would like to explore some things that could stop us from in implementing change in our lives.

Many of us will want to implement change in our lives because we are not satisfied with the way things are.  Perhaps we want to be free of addiction, or perhaps we want to change the way we structure our days, or want to eat more healthily, or change the way we interact with people.  Inevitably we believe that changes will bring us more happiness or a better quality of life.  Indeed, we may want change because we have realised our worth.  However,  there are things that might hinder progress.

There is a force of nature called inertia.  In physics,this refers to the property of all matter that has mass, In which things that are at rest tend to remain at rest, while things that are in motion, tend to remain in motion.  Simply put, it takes energy to get something to start moving.  Similarly, it takes energy to get something to stop moving. This law seems to apply in the psychological dimensions also.  What I mean is that if you wish to initiate  a new way of being in your life, it may require that you put considerable energy into doing so.  Similarly, if you wish to stop doing something, it may also take considerable energy to stop doing it.

For example, you may have realised your sense of self-worth, or you have developed some self-esteem.  Consequently, you may have decided to mind your own well being.  Perhaps you are trying to engage more with life, or to develop your social environment.  However the people around you may not realise that something has changed  within you. At the sane time, you may no longer respond in ways you use to respond to people.  Take for example someone who has quit alcohol or smoking.  

Skull smoking a cigarette - Vincent Van Gogh  

Previously, the smoker or alcoholic may have responded to social invitations in a particular manner.  After they have withdrawn from a substance, they may no longer respond in the same manner.  Thus, the people around them may read the mew behaviours as strange or unusual.  Unfortunately, (or fortunately) these surprised friends will either withdraw their friendship or discourage the new behaviours.  This then puts the person attempting changes to return to previous unwanted behaviours. Therefore, the loss of friendships and relationships could accompany changes in self-concept or behaviour.  In fact, a changed relationship to one thing could lead to changes in other relationships.  I refer to this as situational inertia.  

All of us exist in psychological and social equilibrium.  In other words, we live in a system of interactions between ourselves and the world.  Therefore, it is not surprising that when we change something inside ourselves, that we may upset the equilibrium outside ourselves.  So do not be surprised when the changes you implement create crises for you.  These crises may occur gradually or they may occur suddenly and simultaneously.  Sometimes the stress they in evoke in us may lead us to return to previous unwanted attitudes, beliefs and behaviours.  

So how can we avoid this problem?  One way to avoid this kind of situational inertia, is too predict and to plan for it.  In other words, we need to have a roadmap for change that includes the possibility that the relationships we have formed, may change as we change our relationships to other things in our lives.  It also involves trusting that we will be open to new and more healthy relationships.  In short, it means that we need to have courage.  But courage does not exclude the possibility of being gentle and tender with ourselves. Each of us has immeasurable value, and each of us has a right to implement changes to make us more whole.  

When everything seems to be going wrong, it's important to ask ourselves the question is this because I have changed my relationship to something?  In fact, what seems catastrophic at one instant in time may, on reflection, later prove to be a blessing in disguise.  I invite you to conduct a thought experiment.  Think back to your past And remember a time when something catastrophic happened.  At the time, you may have thought the event was something awful and terrible.  Now try and imagine your life without that event having occurred.  I suggest that in many cases you will realise that the catastrophic event was in fact a catalyst for an opportunity or for something good.  You are probably aware of the saying that when one door closes another door opens.  I have experienced people saying this to me in the past, and found a little flippant.  However, when I look back, it's  inevitably true.  I am not denying that bad things can happen and do have long-term term negative consequences.  However, it is useful to think back and reflect on how something catastrophic turned out to be positive in the long term.

So I am urging courage on your part, and I am asking you to consider that what You see as catastrophic may in fact not be.  Perhaps this universe In which we find ourselves is actually quite a friendly place!  I wish you warmth and goodness.   

Self-esteem

Hi!  Bobby Deep here again.  I want to discuss self-esteem today because it's an interesting topic and i know its a problem for many people, myself included.  

I believe that although self-worth and self-esteem are mutually dependant,  they are quite different things.  As I explained very briefly in my previous post, self worth should be a given; something unearned, and the right of all Humans.  By virtue of simply existing, you have value, and that means you can think, feel and experience. It's the law.  You have the right to be!  And let no one convince you otherwise!

Self-esteem emanates from self-worth.  Once you realise you have incalculable and unearned value, it is possible to make an impact on the world; to do something with your being; to change the world around you.  In short, to work at something.

One of the great poets of the last century, Kalhil Gibran, wrote, "Work is love made visible."  I love that sentiment. I believe that self esteem comes from a realised sense of worth that then becomes expressed in some form of doing.  While self-worth is about valuing your own being and existence, self-esteem is about valuing your doing.  

Some people struggle to find their power in doing and life does them.  They struggle to know what they should do with their lives, and become stuck and bored.  Consequently, they become frustrated and miserable, because they don't know how to express their lives in something meaningful.

If this is you, then I advise you to ponder on the concept of value.  Here are some questions to ask yourself:  

What do I like?  What do I value? What values do I believe in?  If you believe in the value of say truth, or justice or even fun, then how are these values translated into principles in your life?  A value is an ideal which is unending and perfect.  But how could that value be made operational into something tangible by you.  

Take the value of beauty.  If beauty is something you value, then how can you bring beauty to the world?  Perhaps you could learn art and draw or paint; or you could start gardening; or write poetry; or sculpt; or knit; or take up beauty therapy; or just go for a walk in nature and take photographs to share.  Knowing what you value and like; knowing what you feel and think about your existence, will help you know how to be in the world.  

When you have done something that expresses what you like and value, you will experience self-esteem.  I think Kalhil Gibran was right, but I also think work is truth made visible, beauty made visible, justice made visible, fun made visible.  Can you think of any other values I have left out?  And if you can, what principles can you enact to bring this value directly and tangibly into your life? I would love to read your ideas!  

Self-worth and Value

I have often pondered what is the meaning of self-worth, self esteem and self love.  I get the impression that many people think these concepts are very similar.  But I see self-worth as something very different to self-esteem.  I find the concept of self-worth the most intriguing.  I believe it is related to the concept of value.  

On a grand scale, this tiny planet Is an insignificant speck in an enormous universe. To illustrate, there are about  200 billion stars in the Milky Way which in turn seems to be part of a universe of 100 billion galaxies.  So our individual lives are insignificant in comparison to the enormity of a massive universe.  Yet, by law and convention, the value of a human life, at least in this tiny parish of the universe has been determined to be infinite, at least in theory.  This is illustrated by the sanctions on murder. The murder of a king or the murder of a begger, are in most law systems equally punishable. 

In fact, every human being has in theory an equal right to experience life.  And that experience consists of sensations, feelings, thoughts and consciousness.  Any attempt to deprive a human of these things is considered illegal and the deprivation of all of them is murder.

Therefore every person has the right to experience through thoughts,feelings and sensations.  As a society we know that the removing of such things is detrimental to freedom and life itself.

So how does this relate to self-worth?  

Well I believe that humans need to be  appraised of their infinite worth, by convention.  That means from childhood, parents and carers need to teach children that their feelings, thoughts and sensations are the basis of their consciousness and life; and that they are valued. 

If children are taught to reject their own experiences, thoughts and feelings, it means they are taught that they are not valuable. If children are not valued in a real, obvious  and direct, way,  they will never understand their own value, and they will struggle to understand their worth.  The problem with not understanding your worth is that you end up allowing others, or even encouraging others to treat you as an individual of low worth.  That includes slavery, physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse, staying in unequal relationships, supporting abusive partners,and so forth.  It also involves withdrawal from sources of nurturance and help, avoiding love and friendships and being narcissistic.

If you find yourself being subservient to another, permitting abuse directed at yourself, allowing others to use you, or constantly take from your pool of resources, it is probably because you have low self worth and have never been appraised of your infinite worth.  Similarly, if you are obsessed with your looks, your clothing, your hair, your physical appearance, weight and so forth, then you are not valuing yourself, but instead the imagined image of yourself.  

The great thing about human value and the right to be,  is that you have nothing to do with it in the sense that it cannot be earned, nor can it be lost.  Every human has, by convention (and also in many religious traditions), incalculable worth or value.  Hence, the severest prohibitions on murder. The murder of the lowest of the low is potentially as punishable as the murder of a king.

So what if you have low self-worth?  What can you do?  Quite frankly nothing, in the sense of increasing your worth.  All you can do is realise worth, or not realise it.  That does not change your inalienable right to think, feel and be, regardless of who you are or what you have done. Therefore, developing self worth is really a process of realisation, rather than a doing of something.  It's about believing that you are valuable, incalculably so, and that there is nothing anyone can do to take that away, including yourself.