Hyper-Arousal and the Inner Child

Life throws stuff at us.  Whether it's problems at work, conflicts in relationships or shortages of money, we adults inevitably have to deal with matters that are unpleasant.  The best thing to do when issues arise, is to evaluate the situation and carefully assess how much emotional energy needs to be expended to solve the problem.  Usually, the  best approach is a logical, evidence based approach in which we carefully evaluate the evidence to hand and then to respond in a manner which helps us to maintain equilibrium and equanimity. Indeed, well-functioning adults seldom panic and they trust that they will find a solution to their problems without panicking, having temper tantrums, obsessive worrying or frightened withdrawal.  In other words, they have the self-confidence to believe that their future selves will be able to regulate situations without panic and anxiety.  When it comes to panic stations, these individuals seldomly worry.  Instead, they evaluate the situation and calmly take approriate action.

Survivors of childjood abuse, whether that abuse was physical, sexual, emotional or mental  in nature, may not be able to achieve this equanimity and instead may find themselves responding inappropriately.  Bobby Deep has a "Star Trek" scale of responses to difficulties.  Amber (yellow) alert means that there is a small problem that needs attention.  An orange alert requires a moderate level of action and alertness, and finally, a red alert is a true emergency that requires swift immediate and sometimes radical action to protect wellbeing or survival.    Green is not an alert.  It simply means that all is peachy and there are currently no problems or reasons to act.  The problem with individuals who have experienced abuse in their earlier lives is that they may have learned to survive by being hypersensistive to danger cues in their environments.  For example, a mildly annoyed look in an abuser's face might have preceded a beating.  Similarly, a slight change of behaviour in an abuser might indicate the possibility of an impending sexual abuse.  Even the slightest nuance of expression might indicate the onset of a tirade of verbal abuse. Therefore, the child learns to survive by predicting these behaviours before they occur. By assessing tiny cues the frightened child was able to prepare  for the inevitable, to hide, or to placate the abuser. At the time,  these behaviours were appropriate responses to the highly inappropriate actions of powerful adults.

People who were abused or neglected in childhood may, in their adult lives, seem highly prescient -- perhaps even psychic because they are able to read the slightest cues in others, based on past patterns of behaviour and circumstance.  Accordingly, they may be able to make predictions about what will happen next or in the future.  Although seeming highly insightful, the price paid is hyper-arousal, hyper-sensitivity,  and anxiety and ultimately depression.  It may be difficult to interact with anyone in a normal manner because every human being has some level of controlled hostility within them.  However, these small and fluctuating hostility emotions are suppressed in order to live sociably and in community.  Most people ignore these tiny tells; but people with a history of abuse may find these difficult to ignore.  Therefore, every interaction could carry within it evidence of the other's instinctual hostility. These tiny cues could trigger anxiety and anticipation of some form of abuse.  Therefore, the individual could project earlier experiences onto a current interactions. Similarly, when difficulties arise, something that only warrants a yellow alert receives a rating of red.   In fact any difficulty receives this evaluation.  In some cases, a yellow alert is allocated when, in fact, all is peaceful, especially when there is a history of neglect.  Accordingly there is seldom emotional rest for such a person. 

So how to stop doing this? Surely, it should be easy to train or teach someone to become desensitized to mild hostility and subtle cues or tiny disturbances in their environments.  Surely, it should be possible to tell the individual: "Stop catastrophising everything! You are creating a storm in a teacup!"  Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) includes catastrophising as one of the cognitive distortions and therapists using this method will train their clients to recognise instances of catastrophising to help the individual control it.  Of course, there is no harm in this approach, and undoubtedly, it helps individuals.  However, Bobby Deep does not believe that this should be the whole approach.  The problem exists because one or more of the archaic selves, or inner children has suffered a trauma at an earlier time. A current event sets up resonances in our inner children who overwhelm the adult self and begin to respond to the current situation by using a solution that seemed appropriate at an earlier time.  Thus an idividual might withdraw from others, lose the temper, experience deep anxiety, worry, give up, manipulate, become ill, overeat, undereat, self-harm, indulge in some form of risky behaviour; all as a way of escaping a perceived danger.  Ancient resonances overwhelm the current situation and the individual is unable to rationally evaluate the truth of the current situation and take appropriate actions. 

How can we deal with these ancient patterns of coping that impinge on the current self?  Firstly, I believe it is helpful to enter into a healing relationship with a trained therapist who does not only subscribe to CBT.  The therapist should be skilled in entering a therapeutic relationship and help the individual relive earlier traumas in a safe environment.  By doing this, the nervous system of the individual can discharge anxiety caused by earlier trauma carried into the present.  Thus, the past and the present become integrated.  This allows for a gradual calming to occur.  If it is not possible to contract the services of a trained therapist, sometimes it is helpful to read self-help books that safely help us to make contact with our inner children. Discharging this anxiety is really key to helping the current self, overwhelmed by earlier trauma.  

There are other things that can also be done.  The breath is a wonderful reminder of life and the continuity of life.  When we take breath consciously while in a difficult situation, we remind ourselves that life goes on, that we are alive and that we continue to live.  Breathing may also help us to readjust a physical posture that may be preventing the proper circulation of blood.  The back might straighten, the neck muscles relax and all of this helps bring calm to a situation (in fact, any bodily function calms one down).  Then to place the feet firmly on the ground and to remind yourself to stand your ground and "be not afraid".  A third thing to do which is connected to the CBT methods, is to remind yourself that the anxiety is probably a resonance from the past.  That doesn't mean going into that resonance at that moment, because you need your cognition to focus on something else: the evidence at hand.  The fourth step is to evaluate the evidence objectively.  Ask yourself: "What is going on here and now?" In fact, curiosity is a great antidote to anxiety.   Here are the steps in recipe form:

(A)  Breathe and adjust posture;
(B) Ground yourselves with your feet;
(C)  Acknowledge a resonance without going into it;
(D) Evaluate the evidence with curiosity and take appropriate action.

Step C can be brought to a therapist or you can work on it by yourself later to try and understand and discharge the anxiety it might carry.  It is really helpful to listen to the voices of your inner children.  Acknowledge their hurt, frustration or confusion.  Provide support and reassurance as an adult and give them as much love as you possibly can.  Love every part of your self and value every moment of your history.   Happiness and peace from Bobby Deep.

Situational inertia

Hello this is Bobby Deep and today I would like to explore some things that could stop us from in implementing change in our lives.

Many of us will want to implement change in our lives because we are not satisfied with the way things are.  Perhaps we want to be free of addiction, or perhaps we want to change the way we structure our days, or want to eat more healthily, or change the way we interact with people.  Inevitably we believe that changes will bring us more happiness or a better quality of life.  Indeed, we may want change because we have realised our worth.  However,  there are things that might hinder progress.

There is a force of nature called inertia.  In physics,this refers to the property of all matter that has mass, In which things that are at rest tend to remain at rest, while things that are in motion, tend to remain in motion.  Simply put, it takes energy to get something to start moving.  Similarly, it takes energy to get something to stop moving. This law seems to apply in the psychological dimensions also.  What I mean is that if you wish to initiate  a new way of being in your life, it may require that you put considerable energy into doing so.  Similarly, if you wish to stop doing something, it may also take considerable energy to stop doing it.

For example, you may have realised your sense of self-worth, or you have developed some self-esteem.  Consequently, you may have decided to mind your own well being.  Perhaps you are trying to engage more with life, or to develop your social environment.  However the people around you may not realise that something has changed  within you. At the sane time, you may no longer respond in ways you use to respond to people.  Take for example someone who has quit alcohol or smoking.  

Skull smoking a cigarette - Vincent Van Gogh  

Previously, the smoker or alcoholic may have responded to social invitations in a particular manner.  After they have withdrawn from a substance, they may no longer respond in the same manner.  Thus, the people around them may read the mew behaviours as strange or unusual.  Unfortunately, (or fortunately) these surprised friends will either withdraw their friendship or discourage the new behaviours.  This then puts the person attempting changes to return to previous unwanted behaviours. Therefore, the loss of friendships and relationships could accompany changes in self-concept or behaviour.  In fact, a changed relationship to one thing could lead to changes in other relationships.  I refer to this as situational inertia.  

All of us exist in psychological and social equilibrium.  In other words, we live in a system of interactions between ourselves and the world.  Therefore, it is not surprising that when we change something inside ourselves, that we may upset the equilibrium outside ourselves.  So do not be surprised when the changes you implement create crises for you.  These crises may occur gradually or they may occur suddenly and simultaneously.  Sometimes the stress they in evoke in us may lead us to return to previous unwanted attitudes, beliefs and behaviours.  

So how can we avoid this problem?  One way to avoid this kind of situational inertia, is too predict and to plan for it.  In other words, we need to have a roadmap for change that includes the possibility that the relationships we have formed, may change as we change our relationships to other things in our lives.  It also involves trusting that we will be open to new and more healthy relationships.  In short, it means that we need to have courage.  But courage does not exclude the possibility of being gentle and tender with ourselves. Each of us has immeasurable value, and each of us has a right to implement changes to make us more whole.  

When everything seems to be going wrong, it's important to ask ourselves the question is this because I have changed my relationship to something?  In fact, what seems catastrophic at one instant in time may, on reflection, later prove to be a blessing in disguise.  I invite you to conduct a thought experiment.  Think back to your past And remember a time when something catastrophic happened.  At the time, you may have thought the event was something awful and terrible.  Now try and imagine your life without that event having occurred.  I suggest that in many cases you will realise that the catastrophic event was in fact a catalyst for an opportunity or for something good.  You are probably aware of the saying that when one door closes another door opens.  I have experienced people saying this to me in the past, and found a little flippant.  However, when I look back, it's  inevitably true.  I am not denying that bad things can happen and do have long-term term negative consequences.  However, it is useful to think back and reflect on how something catastrophic turned out to be positive in the long term.

So I am urging courage on your part, and I am asking you to consider that what You see as catastrophic may in fact not be.  Perhaps this universe In which we find ourselves is actually quite a friendly place!  I wish you warmth and goodness.