Situational inertia

Hello this is Bobby Deep and today I would like to explore some things that could stop us from in implementing change in our lives.

Many of us will want to implement change in our lives because we are not satisfied with the way things are.  Perhaps we want to be free of addiction, or perhaps we want to change the way we structure our days, or want to eat more healthily, or change the way we interact with people.  Inevitably we believe that changes will bring us more happiness or a better quality of life.  Indeed, we may want change because we have realised our worth.  However,  there are things that might hinder progress.

There is a force of nature called inertia.  In physics,this refers to the property of all matter that has mass, In which things that are at rest tend to remain at rest, while things that are in motion, tend to remain in motion.  Simply put, it takes energy to get something to start moving.  Similarly, it takes energy to get something to stop moving. This law seems to apply in the psychological dimensions also.  What I mean is that if you wish to initiate  a new way of being in your life, it may require that you put considerable energy into doing so.  Similarly, if you wish to stop doing something, it may also take considerable energy to stop doing it.

For example, you may have realised your sense of self-worth, or you have developed some self-esteem.  Consequently, you may have decided to mind your own well being.  Perhaps you are trying to engage more with life, or to develop your social environment.  However the people around you may not realise that something has changed  within you. At the sane time, you may no longer respond in ways you use to respond to people.  Take for example someone who has quit alcohol or smoking.  

Skull smoking a cigarette - Vincent Van Gogh  

Previously, the smoker or alcoholic may have responded to social invitations in a particular manner.  After they have withdrawn from a substance, they may no longer respond in the same manner.  Thus, the people around them may read the mew behaviours as strange or unusual.  Unfortunately, (or fortunately) these surprised friends will either withdraw their friendship or discourage the new behaviours.  This then puts the person attempting changes to return to previous unwanted behaviours. Therefore, the loss of friendships and relationships could accompany changes in self-concept or behaviour.  In fact, a changed relationship to one thing could lead to changes in other relationships.  I refer to this as situational inertia.  

All of us exist in psychological and social equilibrium.  In other words, we live in a system of interactions between ourselves and the world.  Therefore, it is not surprising that when we change something inside ourselves, that we may upset the equilibrium outside ourselves.  So do not be surprised when the changes you implement create crises for you.  These crises may occur gradually or they may occur suddenly and simultaneously.  Sometimes the stress they in evoke in us may lead us to return to previous unwanted attitudes, beliefs and behaviours.  

So how can we avoid this problem?  One way to avoid this kind of situational inertia, is too predict and to plan for it.  In other words, we need to have a roadmap for change that includes the possibility that the relationships we have formed, may change as we change our relationships to other things in our lives.  It also involves trusting that we will be open to new and more healthy relationships.  In short, it means that we need to have courage.  But courage does not exclude the possibility of being gentle and tender with ourselves. Each of us has immeasurable value, and each of us has a right to implement changes to make us more whole.  

When everything seems to be going wrong, it's important to ask ourselves the question is this because I have changed my relationship to something?  In fact, what seems catastrophic at one instant in time may, on reflection, later prove to be a blessing in disguise.  I invite you to conduct a thought experiment.  Think back to your past And remember a time when something catastrophic happened.  At the time, you may have thought the event was something awful and terrible.  Now try and imagine your life without that event having occurred.  I suggest that in many cases you will realise that the catastrophic event was in fact a catalyst for an opportunity or for something good.  You are probably aware of the saying that when one door closes another door opens.  I have experienced people saying this to me in the past, and found a little flippant.  However, when I look back, it's  inevitably true.  I am not denying that bad things can happen and do have long-term term negative consequences.  However, it is useful to think back and reflect on how something catastrophic turned out to be positive in the long term.

So I am urging courage on your part, and I am asking you to consider that what You see as catastrophic may in fact not be.  Perhaps this universe In which we find ourselves is actually quite a friendly place!  I wish you warmth and goodness.   

Making Friends with the Shadow

Hi this is Bobby Deep again, and this time I would like to write about something a little darker.  I am referring to the Shadow, something that dwells in the unconscious mind of every person.

When the sun, or indeed any source of light shines onto an object, it casts a  darkness where it has not been able to penetrate.  Light is usually symbolic of safety, warmth, certainty and wakefulness; while shadows represent uncertainty, being unprepared, danger and the unknown.  This is because we instinctively know that it is possible for shadows to harbour any number of lurking things that might upset our certainty, peace and equanimity.  Let me unhinge you a little and suggest a few:  spiders in the cupboard, scorpions in the shoe,  intruders in a dark room, a creepy alleyway, a mouse scampering into a dark space, conspirators in a dark room plotting something evil...

It was Friedrich Schelling, an 18th Century German philosopher who put forward that the mind has an unconscious element, that is not open to ordinary awareness.  Coleridge brought the idea to England.  Freud incorporated this idea into his own theories, and Jung, his student, extended the idea into two parts, the personal unconscious, and the collective unconscious.  The latter incorporating universal patterns and symbols, which he called archetypes.  

Jung believed that our animal nature (instinct) gradually became superseded by the conscious mind as we grow up. Elements of ourselves which are not conducive to social living go into the unconscious.  But these elements exert an influence.  Similarly, the archetypes in the collective unconscious shape the way humans live their lives and relate to others. 

These archetypes exist in every human culture and represent instinctual wholes -- patterns that govern the way we collectively understand reality.  Examples of archetypes include:  The Mother,  the Warrior,  the Lover, the King, the Adventurer, the Wise old Woman, the Virgin.  But each of these archetypes in the collective unconscious, have their darker sides:  the Mother could be the Step-mother, such as in the story of Hansel and Gretel; the King could be the Tyrant; the Wise Old Woman  could be the Witch, and so forth.  In some ways everything that is unconscious dwells in the Shadow.

These patterns or archetypes allow anyone to perform actions associated with an archetype.  To illustrate, even the most hardened criminal, faced with an abandoned little baby in a basket would probably be able to nurture and mind the baby for a while, in any case.  The archetype of Mother would become activated and the criminal would be able to keep the baby warm and possibly even feed it something appropriate.  In other words, the shadow Mother could be brought into the conscious mind of the unsuspecting criminal and to the surprise of everyone. They might ask him: "How did you know what to do?"  Another example that I find so amusing is when straight men dress up as women for a fancy-dress and in some cases somehow find it in themselves to inhabit one of the female archetypes in a really convincing way. 

I can think of many things that could exist in the shadow that are anti-social:  Murderous rage, spitefulness, unfettered sexuality (Freud would be proud of me), taking what belongs to others; and even milder things like not washing yourself, picking your nose, farting in a lift and eating like a pig.  

But other, non antisocial elements can also exist in the shadow.  Take for example the little child who likes to sing and gets told by someone significant: "Stop that screeching!" or the child proudly displays a painting and gets told: "That doesn't look like a horse!  You'll never be an artist!" or when the child expresses a need or a feeling, is smacked or told to quit it.  These events mean the individuality of the child's personality become stuffed into the unconscious.  Twenty years later, that same individual might say things like: "Oh, all I can draw is a stickman." Or, "Don't let me sing; all I can do is croak!"  And more worryingly, that same person might have learned to suppress their own needs, thoughts and feelings; or have never realised their value and unalienable worth.  What then happens is they either fall in love with those who display the qualities they have suppressed in themselves;  or they become envious of those same people -- or worse, they express hatred or extreme irritation at these people.

I have an interesting thought-experiment for you:  think of someone you really like and list the things you really like about that person...  Now take these qualities and just notice how these qualities exist in some perhaps-vestigial form within yourself.  Here's another one:  do the same with someone you really dislike.  Isn't it amazing how the things you dislike in others are in your very own self, lurking in the shadows of your personality!

I believe that we become wholer and stronger when we acknowledge and maybe even befriend these hidden and cast-away aspects of ourselves.  Value who you are.  Love everything about you, even those broken and lurking bits, hidden in the darkness of your mind.

Self-worth and Value

I have often pondered what is the meaning of self-worth, self esteem and self love.  I get the impression that many people think these concepts are very similar.  But I see self-worth as something very different to self-esteem.  I find the concept of self-worth the most intriguing.  I believe it is related to the concept of value.  

On a grand scale, this tiny planet Is an insignificant speck in an enormous universe. To illustrate, there are about  200 billion stars in the Milky Way which in turn seems to be part of a universe of 100 billion galaxies.  So our individual lives are insignificant in comparison to the enormity of a massive universe.  Yet, by law and convention, the value of a human life, at least in this tiny parish of the universe has been determined to be infinite, at least in theory.  This is illustrated by the sanctions on murder. The murder of a king or the murder of a begger, are in most law systems equally punishable. 

In fact, every human being has in theory an equal right to experience life.  And that experience consists of sensations, feelings, thoughts and consciousness.  Any attempt to deprive a human of these things is considered illegal and the deprivation of all of them is murder.

Therefore every person has the right to experience through thoughts,feelings and sensations.  As a society we know that the removing of such things is detrimental to freedom and life itself.

So how does this relate to self-worth?  

Well I believe that humans need to be  appraised of their infinite worth, by convention.  That means from childhood, parents and carers need to teach children that their feelings, thoughts and sensations are the basis of their consciousness and life; and that they are valued. 

If children are taught to reject their own experiences, thoughts and feelings, it means they are taught that they are not valuable. If children are not valued in a real, obvious  and direct, way,  they will never understand their own value, and they will struggle to understand their worth.  The problem with not understanding your worth is that you end up allowing others, or even encouraging others to treat you as an individual of low worth.  That includes slavery, physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse, staying in unequal relationships, supporting abusive partners,and so forth.  It also involves withdrawal from sources of nurturance and help, avoiding love and friendships and being narcissistic.

If you find yourself being subservient to another, permitting abuse directed at yourself, allowing others to use you, or constantly take from your pool of resources, it is probably because you have low self worth and have never been appraised of your infinite worth.  Similarly, if you are obsessed with your looks, your clothing, your hair, your physical appearance, weight and so forth, then you are not valuing yourself, but instead the imagined image of yourself.  

The great thing about human value and the right to be,  is that you have nothing to do with it in the sense that it cannot be earned, nor can it be lost.  Every human has, by convention (and also in many religious traditions), incalculable worth or value.  Hence, the severest prohibitions on murder. The murder of the lowest of the low is potentially as punishable as the murder of a king.

So what if you have low self-worth?  What can you do?  Quite frankly nothing, in the sense of increasing your worth.  All you can do is realise worth, or not realise it.  That does not change your inalienable right to think, feel and be, regardless of who you are or what you have done. Therefore, developing self worth is really a process of realisation, rather than a doing of something.  It's about believing that you are valuable, incalculably so, and that there is nothing anyone can do to take that away, including yourself.