Constructing a true Self

After writing the piece on Narcissism, I got thinking about what is actually real about people?  Is it possible to truly love an essence of someone or the "real" self?  After all, an essence, is not actually tangible.  

In a way, we are compelled to relate to some form of representation of the person which dwells in our own minds.  It seems we construct a model -- a story of who that person is, and that story can exist in a range of states on a continuum from complete fantasy to something approaching the truth.  Moreover, that person has a model of self which represents who they think they are, from the inside out.  We all construct these  representations of ourselves based on our memories of experience, but these constructions may also be wishful, biased and influenced by circumstances,  irrational beliefs about motives, other people's motives and how others have treated us in the past.  We call that construct "I".   The construct of the other is "you".  

That is the reason why we value truth, in theory anyway.  I want to build up a faithful model of reality in my mind of the world around me and of myself.  I want to know how things really are. I believe that relationships break down when people stop allowing others to form faithful constructs of who they are, either because they do not like who they think they are in themselves, or they have been hurt in such a manner that means they are unable to show their wounds to the other in fear they will open them up, or reject them.

Therapy occurs when a sanctioned healer, the therapist, promises to look at wounds without flinching and without making them worse by using their own power to damage further.  Then the therapist helps the person see the wounds for what they are without judgement in as gentle a way as is possible. 

Friendships can also serve this function.  Our true friends are gentle with us and help us to authenticall communicate who we are.  They do not judge or undermine our deepest feelings and thoughts. And to be a good friend, it is necessary to have that quality of acceptance of the other's story which engenders trust and the truest expression of the other's self.  

The Tragedy of Narcissism

What kinds of things could potentially keep us from finding love?  I think that one of the causes of this is the awful malady of Narcissism.  

This lovely image is a painting by the famous renaissance painter, Michelangelo.  It depicts Narcissus gazing at an image of himself in a shallow pool of water. In the ancient story brought to us through the ages by Ovid, this entrancement occurs shortly after Narcissus spurns the advances of Echo.  In other versions of the story, Narcissus spurns the advances of a male lover.  In any case, this act of rejection angers one of the ancient Greek Goddesses,  Nemesis, who is the deity of revenge.  She decides to lead him to the pool into which he stares wistfully in the image above. There, under the vengeful spell of Nemesis, he falls in love with his own image, thinking that it is real.  Because it is simply an irreal reflection of himself, the relationship is doomed to fatal disappointment.  Poor Narcissus dies, presumably of heartbreak. 

What is central to this story is that Narcissus is doomed to suffer because he falls in love with a representation, a facsimile of himself, rather than a real person or even his own true essence.  The coded meaning transmitted to us from the Ancient Greeks is a warning of the pointlessness of loving image over essence; seeming instead of authenticity; rejecting what is real and tangible for what is imagined and phony.

I find it awfully sad that Narcissus exists in utter delusion: he is convinced by enchantment that the object of his love is real; and he has no insight whatsoever into the depth of his false perceptions. It's as if he has rejected this world of things and people, instead favouring a mirror world.  

It always annoys me when I think of this story is how interfering Nemesis is. A busybody, she has decided to inflict psychosis onto someone merely because he expressed a preference against someone.  Surely it is everyone's right to say no?  What was it about Narcissus' spurning of Echo that made it necessary for an immortal to interfere and lead a mortal to despair?  I suppose it is impossible to know as the story probably arrived at Ovid in many forms from an even earlier time.

The problem of Narcissism is the mistaken belief that it is necessary to assign value and meaning to an outward form; to imbue significance to a signifier rather than to the signified; to think the box is better than the chocolates inside; to want to associate with a placeholder, rather than the genuine article itself; to think a mask is the true face of the heart.

In today's world, Nemesis is advertising.  It often promotes valuing the worth of the brand over the product.  Moreover we are bombarded with air-brushed images providing us with perfect ideals which cannot be attained. And in all of this, self-worth and genuine care and love are the casualties.  Because if the image cannot be loved then what remains-to love?  If the core essence is so invisible, then it remains unloved and eventually withers.

I believe that Narcissism results from not learning to value your real needs, feelings and thoughts as a youngster.  This could happen either through neglect, abuse, the lack of enough affection, and conditional love from parental figures.  Children learn that they need to do or be something perfect in order to receive attention and affection. Or they learn that their needs and feelings and thoughts are powerless to help them achieve their needs.  So, they take up a strategy, usually a beauty strategy to get the attention they'd crave.  For example, they may always be dieting, sometimes to the point of emaciation; or they might spend three hours a day on make-up or dressing just right, or doing their hair so it is just perfect, all for a walk to the corner shop for a loaf of bread! 

Sadly, this is because they have learned that they have no value in and of themselves.  Their self-worth is very unrealised.  Instead, their sense of worth is related to a representation of themselves. If someone loves this representation, they might be flattered, but will never accept love of their true self because they have obscured it from view, preferring to present a mask.

The obvious solution is to always be yourself.  However, I believe that it requires a positive relationship with someone to learn to love the true essence of the self.  This may take the work of a professional carer, in the form of a therapist who may need to provide that relationship of positivity in which the thoughts, feelings and needs of the individual are validated. In other words, the individual needs to be taught how to honour their own essence. But don't go knocking on Nemesis' temple door for help!  A gentle approach is needed.

A critique of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), is a type of psychotherapy in which the therapist helps the client to idientify their distorted thoughts, evaluate how these thoughts impact on the individual's life, and then helps the individual make changes to their behaviours by challenging their thought patterns.  This is a laudable goal and is a method of psychotherapy that has proven success and for this reason, medical insurance is likely to cover it as part of a medical plan.  Being a skeptic myself, I believe that medical insurances would cover this kind of therapy because it is usually completed in about ten sessions.  People's behaviours change, and they seem to cope better with their lives.  This stands in opposition to other forms of psychotherapy which take much longer.  For example, integrative psychotherapy might involve years of therapy, as might psychodynamic psychotherapy and many of the more traditional forms of therapy.  This isn't good news for health insurers, because it does not satisfy their needs for quick, medical types of treatments for problems such as depression, anxiety, phobias and various types of neuroses.  It kind of fits into a neat model of healing in which a specific cause has a specific effect on the individual; and if this cause can be identified and rooted out, then a cure can be found.  This presupposes a very mechanistic understanding of the human mind.  Don't get me wrong, I am not against CBT at all.  In fact, it has helped me a great deal at times. But I am nearly certain that it is actually the positive relationship between the therapist and the client that actually promotes healing; or at least allows the client to actually take the content of the therapy half-way seriously.
What I find fascinating about psychotherapy in general is that there are hundreds of flavours of it, and when they do efficacy studies on these hundreds of therapies, they all seem to work, regardless of the model of intervention.  It is astounding that they all seem to have a positive impact on the individual who attends for them.  Yet each therapy will inevitably doggedly insists that its own particular theory  or brand of approach is the causative agent in the healing process.  But if you look at what is common to all these verbal psychotherapies, you will see that it is in fact a relationship with a sanctioned healer.  In order to heal, people need a positive relationship with someone.  And in my opinion, that means the following:
(a) someone who will give the individual their full attention
(b) someone who provide the client with positive social signals (such as listening)
(c) someone who will validate the client's experience of suffering, the client's thoughts, the client's feelings
(d) someone who expresses belief in the client's goodness

and does all of these things in a manner which is believable to the client.   This is strengthened if the therapist has a high social ranking, such as a title like Dr. or Prof.

Although I do believe that working with irrational thoughts with a client may be useful, the therapist/clinician is invariably telling the client: "there is something wrong in your thinking; you need to think in this correct, rational way."  I don't think this is really possible unless underlying relational issues are tackled.  If the therapist is stern, non-emotional and acts as a teacher, giving these rational thoughts to the client, they will not be taken up.  If the therapist has the qualities I have mentioned above, then the client might pay attention to the method and get better, regardless of the new thought patterns.