What kinds of things could potentially keep us from finding love? I think that one of the causes of this is the awful malady of
Narcissism.
This lovely image is a painting by the famous renaissance painter, Michelangelo. It depicts Narcissus gazing at an image of himself in a shallow pool of water. In the ancient story brought to us through the ages by Ovid, this entrancement occurs shortly after Narcissus spurns the advances of Echo. In other versions of the story, Narcissus spurns the advances of a male lover. In any case, this act of rejection angers one of the ancient Greek Goddesses, Nemesis, who is the deity of revenge. She decides to lead him to the pool into which he stares wistfully in the image above. There, under the vengeful spell of Nemesis, he falls in love with his own image, thinking that it is real. Because it is simply an irreal reflection of himself, the relationship is doomed to fatal disappointment. Poor Narcissus dies, presumably of heartbreak.
What is central to this story is that Narcissus is doomed to suffer because he falls in love with a representation, a facsimile of himself, rather than a real person or even his own true essence. The coded meaning transmitted to us from the Ancient Greeks is a warning of the pointlessness of loving image over essence; seeming instead of authenticity; rejecting what is real and tangible for what is imagined and phony.
I find it awfully sad that Narcissus exists in utter delusion: he is convinced by enchantment that the object of his love is real; and he has no insight whatsoever into the depth of his false perceptions. It's as if he has rejected this world of things and people, instead favouring a mirror world.
It always annoys me when I think of this story is how interfering Nemesis is. A busybody, she has decided to inflict psychosis onto someone merely because he expressed a preference against someone. Surely it is everyone's right to say no? What was it about Narcissus' spurning of Echo that made it necessary for an immortal to interfere and lead a mortal to despair? I suppose it is impossible to know as the story probably arrived at Ovid in many forms from an even earlier time.
The problem of Narcissism is the mistaken belief that it is necessary to assign value and meaning to an outward form; to imbue significance to a signifier rather than to the signified; to think the box is better than the chocolates inside; to want to associate with a placeholder, rather than the genuine article itself; to think a mask is the true face of the heart.
In today's world, Nemesis is advertising. It often promotes valuing the worth of the brand over the product. Moreover we are bombarded with air-brushed images providing us with perfect ideals which cannot be attained. And in all of this, self-worth and genuine care and love are the casualties. Because if the image cannot be loved then what remains-to love? If the core essence is so invisible, then it remains unloved and eventually withers.
I believe that Narcissism results from not learning to value your real needs, feelings and thoughts as a youngster. This could happen either through neglect, abuse, the lack of enough affection, and conditional love from parental figures. Children learn that they need to do or be something perfect in order to receive attention and affection. Or they learn that their needs and feelings and thoughts are powerless to help them achieve their needs. So, they take up a strategy, usually a beauty strategy to get the attention they'd crave. For example, they may always be dieting, sometimes to the point of emaciation; or they might spend three hours a day on make-up or dressing just right, or doing their hair so it is just perfect, all for a walk to the corner shop for a loaf of bread!
Sadly, this is because they have learned that they have no value in and of themselves. Their self-worth is very unrealised. Instead, their sense of worth is related to a representation of themselves. If someone loves this representation, they might be flattered, but will never accept love of their true self because they have obscured it from view, preferring to present a mask.
The obvious solution is to always be yourself. However, I believe that it requires a positive relationship with someone to learn to love the true essence of the self. This may take the work of a professional carer, in the form of a therapist who may need to provide that relationship of positivity in which the thoughts, feelings and needs of the individual are validated. In other words, the individual needs to be taught how to honour their own essence. But don't go knocking on Nemesis' temple door for help! A gentle approach is needed.
