I will start with the usual caveat that all people have some level of narcissism in them. Indeed, a certain level of selfishness is necessary for the purposes of self-preservation and survival. However, we need to also show some selflessness in order to function socially. Although Immediate selfishness may bring short term pay-offs, its overuse may sabotage any long term benefits. In a way, selflessness and giving to others helps guarantee our embededness within a particular social context over a longer period. In other words, those who are kind are more likely to have kindness shown to them. Of course, this is not guaranteed. But perhaps kindness has evolved to provide us with credit in our social account and thus promotes longevity. However, people who have stronger narcissistic traits have great difficulty trusting that short term giving without a corresponding immediate pay back might result in longer term pay offs.
In order to identify what such individuals might look like, i am providing som typical traits below.
(A) A poorly developed or absent sense of empathy; they have feelings of their own but struggle or don't care to imagine what another is feeling.
(B) A sense of misplaced grandiosity; a sense of superiority and being better than others;
(C) A sense of entitlement;
(D) Exploitativeness;
(E) Self-centredness; the conversation must focus on them;
(F) Lack of forgiveness;
You will find different ways of characterising this problem, but these seem the most salient to me. In the past, this kind of individual would have been called a megalomaniac. If these traits are pronounced enough, the person could be said to have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). However, such a diagnosis is a very serious matter and should only be conducted by qualified individuals. Usually, five out of nine traits need to be firmly present for such a diagnosis.
Narcissists can be very charming and often very pleasant on the eye. Also, they have every appearance of being a typical nice guy or gal, without any obvious negative characteristics. But they are excellent mimics and know exactly how to act in a social situation, by presenting an amalgam of personality characteristics that are replicated from other people. Ironically, although they see themselves as unique, the personality they portray is a hodge-podge of others' personalities. Nevertheless, this amalgam is extremely hard to detect and only those with finely honed phoniness detectors will sense they are speaking to a synthetic persona.
Sadly, the real person behind the mask exists only in a stunted or vestigial form.
This ossified genuine self is unable to present itself to the world but has its needs obtained by controlling its simulacrum. It is hungry for one thing and one thing only: a constant supply of unconditional positive attention from whomever the narcissist believes has the credibility to issue such regard and praise. They therefore suck up to their betters and vilify their apparent inferiors.
Narcissists could move the people in their lives around like objects without regard for their needs. In fact, the needs of others play no part in the calculations narcissists make with regard to the best yields of positive attention. One thing is certain: they do it for themselves and for no one else. Therefore, they are extremely selfish and stingy and are likely to be in complete control of finances.. Often, the gifts narcissists give are given to keep the target "sweet" or hooked; and these gifts will often be a little off-target with regard to the likes and preferences of the rare recipient. The narcissist is often a poor gift giver because it is too effortful to imagine what someone else might like or want. Even when given precise instructions, they might get it wrong, some believe because they deliberately want to torture the recipient. But I think this is more likely due to a reluctance to prioritise the other's needs; as torture requires imagining what might frustrate the gift recipient. In contrast, they are very aware of their own frustrations.
Narcissists cannot and do not tolerate even the smallest amount of criticism without becoming enraged. Rage is not anger. Rage is the experience of suddenly and unexpectedly loss of power. Being accustomed to controlling their supply of positive attention and regard, and obsequious placating behaviours from others, any departure from established patterns can severely unhinge the narcissist. This is very exhausting for the people who live with or who relate to them. It is impossible to be genuine with them and to give them honest feedback about your feelings about them or their specific behaviours, because you will elicit a rage response. This rage is likely to be absolute, hateful and deeply unsettling for the recipient,whether the rage is cold or more outspoken. Such toxic displays of rage can have consequences to the well-being of others. Thus the narcissist who is unable to express who they really are, force others to do the same.
Here are a few more behaviours that you might see with someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder or tendencies towards it. They choose to have relationships with people who have some form of vulnerability. However it is very important for them to choose people who also have some claim to fame or some set of skills or social recognition. Narcissist always do their homework before engaging in any form of relationship with anyone. So for example, they might use search engines or social networking websites to find a target's CV, This enables them to check out a target's social value. They could become obsessed with an individual in this process. It's a type of infatuation which precedes the actual meeting with individual. When they eventually do meet up with the person or manipulate the target into some form of interaction, they are completely infatuated with that individual, and may very quickly learn what the other person needs from a psychological perspective. Then, they will proceed to act in a manner that meets the needs of the target. Thus the narcissist presents the target with a very potent set of social behaviours that addict the target. For example, the target may feel completely understood and that they have found somebody who really meets their needs. Accordingly, their defences will fall and this is precisely what upsets the narcissist.
As the target's defences come down, the narcissist starts despising the target. Being unable themselves to enter a vulnerable state in which the true self can be shown, the narcissist is disturbed by the target's vulnerability. The annoyance caused by this loss of an idealised object leads the narcissist to start undermining the target and to withdraw any form of affection. Unfortunately the target is now addicted to the narcissist and is likely to experience withdrawal symptoms. Most likely these individuals will then engage in placatory or begging behaviour to try and coax the original behaviours out of the narcissist. But this only serves to enrage them further as a sign of phoniness: their idealised target is now a whimpering, begging fool; someone who deserves only contempt. Ironically, the phoney barcissist, unable to present a true self to the world cannot integrate the strengths and weaknesses of their idealised target. In other words, they cannot see them as a blend of strength and vulnerability because for the narcissist there is only either good or bad, black or white, with no intermediate gradations. Nor is there an understanding of process and how time regulates process.
If the target has the audacity to criticise him, the narcissist will punish the target by either withdrawing completely or engaging in utter vilification and enraged vituperative language, the force of which stands in stark contrast to the original obsessed infatuation. However, this rage does not only damage the target but also the narcissist. As they engage in splitting the personality of the target from idealised to vilified, they themselves become split from the position of infatuated joy to a primal sense of frustration and rage which takes a toll on them.
Although very toxic, these individuals cannot be said to be evil. They can however cause a lot of unnecessary suffering. Unfortunately, their personality development has been stunted at quite an early age, either by neglect, over exposure to parental conflict or exposure to parents who were unable to teach the child to regulate their feelings and emotions, mostly because they neglected the child's needs.
If you believe you have been exposed to a narcissist I suggestion you get some psychotherapeutic assistance to help you deal with your feelings and to work out strategies that support you. Similarly, if you recognise traits of narcissism in yourself, realise that awareness is not enough. Seek help and be one of the few who do something to try and free themselves from the painful cycles of infatuation, devaluing, rage and disappointment. Become healthier, balanced and more functional as you seek to heal and love your true hidden self.
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