Making Friends with the Shadow

Hi this is Bobby Deep again, and this time I would like to write about something a little darker.  I am referring to the Shadow, something that dwells in the unconscious mind of every person.

When the sun, or indeed any source of light shines onto an object, it casts a  darkness where it has not been able to penetrate.  Light is usually symbolic of safety, warmth, certainty and wakefulness; while shadows represent uncertainty, being unprepared, danger and the unknown.  This is because we instinctively know that it is possible for shadows to harbour any number of lurking things that might upset our certainty, peace and equanimity.  Let me unhinge you a little and suggest a few:  spiders in the cupboard, scorpions in the shoe,  intruders in a dark room, a creepy alleyway, a mouse scampering into a dark space, conspirators in a dark room plotting something evil...

It was Friedrich Schelling, an 18th Century German philosopher who put forward that the mind has an unconscious element, that is not open to ordinary awareness.  Coleridge brought the idea to England.  Freud incorporated this idea into his own theories, and Jung, his student, extended the idea into two parts, the personal unconscious, and the collective unconscious.  The latter incorporating universal patterns and symbols, which he called archetypes.  

Jung believed that our animal nature (instinct) gradually became superseded by the conscious mind as we grow up. Elements of ourselves which are not conducive to social living go into the unconscious.  But these elements exert an influence.  Similarly, the archetypes in the collective unconscious shape the way humans live their lives and relate to others. 

These archetypes exist in every human culture and represent instinctual wholes -- patterns that govern the way we collectively understand reality.  Examples of archetypes include:  The Mother,  the Warrior,  the Lover, the King, the Adventurer, the Wise old Woman, the Virgin.  But each of these archetypes in the collective unconscious, have their darker sides:  the Mother could be the Step-mother, such as in the story of Hansel and Gretel; the King could be the Tyrant; the Wise Old Woman  could be the Witch, and so forth.  In some ways everything that is unconscious dwells in the Shadow.

These patterns or archetypes allow anyone to perform actions associated with an archetype.  To illustrate, even the most hardened criminal, faced with an abandoned little baby in a basket would probably be able to nurture and mind the baby for a while, in any case.  The archetype of Mother would become activated and the criminal would be able to keep the baby warm and possibly even feed it something appropriate.  In other words, the shadow Mother could be brought into the conscious mind of the unsuspecting criminal and to the surprise of everyone. They might ask him: "How did you know what to do?"  Another example that I find so amusing is when straight men dress up as women for a fancy-dress and in some cases somehow find it in themselves to inhabit one of the female archetypes in a really convincing way. 

I can think of many things that could exist in the shadow that are anti-social:  Murderous rage, spitefulness, unfettered sexuality (Freud would be proud of me), taking what belongs to others; and even milder things like not washing yourself, picking your nose, farting in a lift and eating like a pig.  

But other, non antisocial elements can also exist in the shadow.  Take for example the little child who likes to sing and gets told by someone significant: "Stop that screeching!" or the child proudly displays a painting and gets told: "That doesn't look like a horse!  You'll never be an artist!" or when the child expresses a need or a feeling, is smacked or told to quit it.  These events mean the individuality of the child's personality become stuffed into the unconscious.  Twenty years later, that same individual might say things like: "Oh, all I can draw is a stickman." Or, "Don't let me sing; all I can do is croak!"  And more worryingly, that same person might have learned to suppress their own needs, thoughts and feelings; or have never realised their value and unalienable worth.  What then happens is they either fall in love with those who display the qualities they have suppressed in themselves;  or they become envious of those same people -- or worse, they express hatred or extreme irritation at these people.

I have an interesting thought-experiment for you:  think of someone you really like and list the things you really like about that person...  Now take these qualities and just notice how these qualities exist in some perhaps-vestigial form within yourself.  Here's another one:  do the same with someone you really dislike.  Isn't it amazing how the things you dislike in others are in your very own self, lurking in the shadows of your personality!

I believe that we become wholer and stronger when we acknowledge and maybe even befriend these hidden and cast-away aspects of ourselves.  Value who you are.  Love everything about you, even those broken and lurking bits, hidden in the darkness of your mind.

Self-esteem

Hi!  Bobby Deep here again.  I want to discuss self-esteem today because it's an interesting topic and i know its a problem for many people, myself included.  

I believe that although self-worth and self-esteem are mutually dependant,  they are quite different things.  As I explained very briefly in my previous post, self worth should be a given; something unearned, and the right of all Humans.  By virtue of simply existing, you have value, and that means you can think, feel and experience. It's the law.  You have the right to be!  And let no one convince you otherwise!

Self-esteem emanates from self-worth.  Once you realise you have incalculable and unearned value, it is possible to make an impact on the world; to do something with your being; to change the world around you.  In short, to work at something.

One of the great poets of the last century, Kalhil Gibran, wrote, "Work is love made visible."  I love that sentiment. I believe that self esteem comes from a realised sense of worth that then becomes expressed in some form of doing.  While self-worth is about valuing your own being and existence, self-esteem is about valuing your doing.  

Some people struggle to find their power in doing and life does them.  They struggle to know what they should do with their lives, and become stuck and bored.  Consequently, they become frustrated and miserable, because they don't know how to express their lives in something meaningful.

If this is you, then I advise you to ponder on the concept of value.  Here are some questions to ask yourself:  

What do I like?  What do I value? What values do I believe in?  If you believe in the value of say truth, or justice or even fun, then how are these values translated into principles in your life?  A value is an ideal which is unending and perfect.  But how could that value be made operational into something tangible by you.  

Take the value of beauty.  If beauty is something you value, then how can you bring beauty to the world?  Perhaps you could learn art and draw or paint; or you could start gardening; or write poetry; or sculpt; or knit; or take up beauty therapy; or just go for a walk in nature and take photographs to share.  Knowing what you value and like; knowing what you feel and think about your existence, will help you know how to be in the world.  

When you have done something that expresses what you like and value, you will experience self-esteem.  I think Kalhil Gibran was right, but I also think work is truth made visible, beauty made visible, justice made visible, fun made visible.  Can you think of any other values I have left out?  And if you can, what principles can you enact to bring this value directly and tangibly into your life? I would love to read your ideas!  

Self-worth and Value

I have often pondered what is the meaning of self-worth, self esteem and self love.  I get the impression that many people think these concepts are very similar.  But I see self-worth as something very different to self-esteem.  I find the concept of self-worth the most intriguing.  I believe it is related to the concept of value.  

On a grand scale, this tiny planet Is an insignificant speck in an enormous universe. To illustrate, there are about  200 billion stars in the Milky Way which in turn seems to be part of a universe of 100 billion galaxies.  So our individual lives are insignificant in comparison to the enormity of a massive universe.  Yet, by law and convention, the value of a human life, at least in this tiny parish of the universe has been determined to be infinite, at least in theory.  This is illustrated by the sanctions on murder. The murder of a king or the murder of a begger, are in most law systems equally punishable. 

In fact, every human being has in theory an equal right to experience life.  And that experience consists of sensations, feelings, thoughts and consciousness.  Any attempt to deprive a human of these things is considered illegal and the deprivation of all of them is murder.

Therefore every person has the right to experience through thoughts,feelings and sensations.  As a society we know that the removing of such things is detrimental to freedom and life itself.

So how does this relate to self-worth?  

Well I believe that humans need to be  appraised of their infinite worth, by convention.  That means from childhood, parents and carers need to teach children that their feelings, thoughts and sensations are the basis of their consciousness and life; and that they are valued. 

If children are taught to reject their own experiences, thoughts and feelings, it means they are taught that they are not valuable. If children are not valued in a real, obvious  and direct, way,  they will never understand their own value, and they will struggle to understand their worth.  The problem with not understanding your worth is that you end up allowing others, or even encouraging others to treat you as an individual of low worth.  That includes slavery, physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse, staying in unequal relationships, supporting abusive partners,and so forth.  It also involves withdrawal from sources of nurturance and help, avoiding love and friendships and being narcissistic.

If you find yourself being subservient to another, permitting abuse directed at yourself, allowing others to use you, or constantly take from your pool of resources, it is probably because you have low self worth and have never been appraised of your infinite worth.  Similarly, if you are obsessed with your looks, your clothing, your hair, your physical appearance, weight and so forth, then you are not valuing yourself, but instead the imagined image of yourself.  

The great thing about human value and the right to be,  is that you have nothing to do with it in the sense that it cannot be earned, nor can it be lost.  Every human has, by convention (and also in many religious traditions), incalculable worth or value.  Hence, the severest prohibitions on murder. The murder of the lowest of the low is potentially as punishable as the murder of a king.

So what if you have low self-worth?  What can you do?  Quite frankly nothing, in the sense of increasing your worth.  All you can do is realise worth, or not realise it.  That does not change your inalienable right to think, feel and be, regardless of who you are or what you have done. Therefore, developing self worth is really a process of realisation, rather than a doing of something.  It's about believing that you are valuable, incalculably so, and that there is nothing anyone can do to take that away, including yourself.