Tuesday 23 July 2013

Constructing a true Self

After writing the piece on Narcissism, I got thinking about what is actually real about people?  Is it possible to truly love an essence of someone or the "real" self?  After all, an essence, is not actually tangible.  

In a way, we are compelled to relate to some form of representation of the person which dwells in our own minds.  It seems we construct a model -- a story of who that person is, and that story can exist in a range of states on a continuum from complete fantasy to something approaching the truth.  Moreover, that person has a model of self which represents who they think they are, from the inside out.  We all construct these  representations of ourselves based on our memories of experience, but these constructions may also be wishful, biased and influenced by circumstances,  irrational beliefs about motives, other people's motives and how others have treated us in the past.  We call that construct "I".   The construct of the other is "you".  

That is the reason why we value truth, in theory anyway.  I want to build up a faithful model of reality in my mind of the world around me and of myself.  I want to know how things really are. I believe that relationships break down when people stop allowing others to form faithful constructs of who they are, either because they do not like who they think they are in themselves, or they have been hurt in such a manner that means they are unable to show their wounds to the other in fear they will open them up, or reject them.

Therapy occurs when a sanctioned healer, the therapist, promises to look at wounds without flinching and without making them worse by using their own power to damage further.  Then the therapist helps the person see the wounds for what they are without judgement in as gentle a way as is possible. 

Friendships can also serve this function.  Our true friends are gentle with us and help us to authenticall communicate who we are.  They do not judge or undermine our deepest feelings and thoughts. And to be a good friend, it is necessary to have that quality of acceptance of the other's story which engenders trust and the truest expression of the other's self.  




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