Hyper-Arousal and the Inner Child

Life throws stuff at us.  Whether it's problems at work, conflicts in relationships or shortages of money, we adults inevitably have to deal with matters that are unpleasant.  The best thing to do when issues arise, is to evaluate the situation and carefully assess how much emotional energy needs to be expended to solve the problem.  Usually, the  best approach is a logical, evidence based approach in which we carefully evaluate the evidence to hand and then to respond in a manner which helps us to maintain equilibrium and equanimity. Indeed, well-functioning adults seldom panic and they trust that they will find a solution to their problems without panicking, having temper tantrums, obsessive worrying or frightened withdrawal.  In other words, they have the self-confidence to believe that their future selves will be able to regulate situations without panic and anxiety.  When it comes to panic stations, these individuals seldomly worry.  Instead, they evaluate the situation and calmly take approriate action.

Survivors of childjood abuse, whether that abuse was physical, sexual, emotional or mental  in nature, may not be able to achieve this equanimity and instead may find themselves responding inappropriately.  Bobby Deep has a "Star Trek" scale of responses to difficulties.  Amber (yellow) alert means that there is a small problem that needs attention.  An orange alert requires a moderate level of action and alertness, and finally, a red alert is a true emergency that requires swift immediate and sometimes radical action to protect wellbeing or survival.    Green is not an alert.  It simply means that all is peachy and there are currently no problems or reasons to act.  The problem with individuals who have experienced abuse in their earlier lives is that they may have learned to survive by being hypersensistive to danger cues in their environments.  For example, a mildly annoyed look in an abuser's face might have preceded a beating.  Similarly, a slight change of behaviour in an abuser might indicate the possibility of an impending sexual abuse.  Even the slightest nuance of expression might indicate the onset of a tirade of verbal abuse. Therefore, the child learns to survive by predicting these behaviours before they occur. By assessing tiny cues the frightened child was able to prepare  for the inevitable, to hide, or to placate the abuser. At the time,  these behaviours were appropriate responses to the highly inappropriate actions of powerful adults.

People who were abused or neglected in childhood may, in their adult lives, seem highly prescient -- perhaps even psychic because they are able to read the slightest cues in others, based on past patterns of behaviour and circumstance.  Accordingly, they may be able to make predictions about what will happen next or in the future.  Although seeming highly insightful, the price paid is hyper-arousal, hyper-sensitivity,  and anxiety and ultimately depression.  It may be difficult to interact with anyone in a normal manner because every human being has some level of controlled hostility within them.  However, these small and fluctuating hostility emotions are suppressed in order to live sociably and in community.  Most people ignore these tiny tells; but people with a history of abuse may find these difficult to ignore.  Therefore, every interaction could carry within it evidence of the other's instinctual hostility. These tiny cues could trigger anxiety and anticipation of some form of abuse.  Therefore, the individual could project earlier experiences onto a current interactions. Similarly, when difficulties arise, something that only warrants a yellow alert receives a rating of red.   In fact any difficulty receives this evaluation.  In some cases, a yellow alert is allocated when, in fact, all is peaceful, especially when there is a history of neglect.  Accordingly there is seldom emotional rest for such a person. 

So how to stop doing this? Surely, it should be easy to train or teach someone to become desensitized to mild hostility and subtle cues or tiny disturbances in their environments.  Surely, it should be possible to tell the individual: "Stop catastrophising everything! You are creating a storm in a teacup!"  Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) includes catastrophising as one of the cognitive distortions and therapists using this method will train their clients to recognise instances of catastrophising to help the individual control it.  Of course, there is no harm in this approach, and undoubtedly, it helps individuals.  However, Bobby Deep does not believe that this should be the whole approach.  The problem exists because one or more of the archaic selves, or inner children has suffered a trauma at an earlier time. A current event sets up resonances in our inner children who overwhelm the adult self and begin to respond to the current situation by using a solution that seemed appropriate at an earlier time.  Thus an idividual might withdraw from others, lose the temper, experience deep anxiety, worry, give up, manipulate, become ill, overeat, undereat, self-harm, indulge in some form of risky behaviour; all as a way of escaping a perceived danger.  Ancient resonances overwhelm the current situation and the individual is unable to rationally evaluate the truth of the current situation and take appropriate actions. 

How can we deal with these ancient patterns of coping that impinge on the current self?  Firstly, I believe it is helpful to enter into a healing relationship with a trained therapist who does not only subscribe to CBT.  The therapist should be skilled in entering a therapeutic relationship and help the individual relive earlier traumas in a safe environment.  By doing this, the nervous system of the individual can discharge anxiety caused by earlier trauma carried into the present.  Thus, the past and the present become integrated.  This allows for a gradual calming to occur.  If it is not possible to contract the services of a trained therapist, sometimes it is helpful to read self-help books that safely help us to make contact with our inner children. Discharging this anxiety is really key to helping the current self, overwhelmed by earlier trauma.  

There are other things that can also be done.  The breath is a wonderful reminder of life and the continuity of life.  When we take breath consciously while in a difficult situation, we remind ourselves that life goes on, that we are alive and that we continue to live.  Breathing may also help us to readjust a physical posture that may be preventing the proper circulation of blood.  The back might straighten, the neck muscles relax and all of this helps bring calm to a situation (in fact, any bodily function calms one down).  Then to place the feet firmly on the ground and to remind yourself to stand your ground and "be not afraid".  A third thing to do which is connected to the CBT methods, is to remind yourself that the anxiety is probably a resonance from the past.  That doesn't mean going into that resonance at that moment, because you need your cognition to focus on something else: the evidence at hand.  The fourth step is to evaluate the evidence objectively.  Ask yourself: "What is going on here and now?" In fact, curiosity is a great antidote to anxiety.   Here are the steps in recipe form:

(A)  Breathe and adjust posture;
(B) Ground yourselves with your feet;
(C)  Acknowledge a resonance without going into it;
(D) Evaluate the evidence with curiosity and take appropriate action.

Step C can be brought to a therapist or you can work on it by yourself later to try and understand and discharge the anxiety it might carry.  It is really helpful to listen to the voices of your inner children.  Acknowledge their hurt, frustration or confusion.  Provide support and reassurance as an adult and give them as much love as you possibly can.  Love every part of your self and value every moment of your history.   Happiness and peace from Bobby Deep.

The Inner Child

Every tree has rings that represent annual growth as the seasons alternate between times of plenty and times of scarcity.  In Summer, there is pletny of light, warmth and nutrition, while in Winter, cold keeps only the most basic functions of the tree alive, slowing growth and allowing only for the basic life functions to continue.  The outer rings represent the newest growth and are closest to the surface of the tree, while the more archaic growth lies deeply buried within the core of the tree.  Humans are not that different from trees.  What you see on the surface is the most recent self, newly formed and representing the self as it exists within the present; but what is hidden, is a long line of nested archaic selves, each of whom is as fully alive as the outer form.  Each of us is therefore both like a tree and a Russian Matryoshka doll; a set of nested selves, each of whom is fully alive and influencing how the current self, the outermost Matryoshka doll is functioning. 

 How can this be?  Surely I am not many selves?  Of course that is true.  Each of us is an undivided unity of being; but like the single tree, there is a dendrochronology -  a tree time in which the layers of the self together allow the present self to emerge, whole and apparently coherent.  However, there are many of who do not always feel very whole or coherent.  There may be a sense that there is something about the inner rings, or perhaps the not-so-inner rings that seems wrong.  Somehow or other, it may seem that these rings have not laid themselves down in a manner allowing for each new ring to rest peacefully and neatly upon the last.  It may be that one of the Matryoshka dolls embedded within the larger current self is unhappy, for lo -- we hear it crying bitterly and secretly from within the belly.  Or it may remain silent until it finds itself in the vulnerability of loving another.

The inner selves, particularly those from an earlier, more helpless and vulnerable time, may not have received the care, nurturance and kindness that they were rightfully expecting.  Perhaps, instead of nurturing, they received a slap, or worse,  a beating when they cried.  Or perhaps, expecting to be fed, were left for long swathes of time to experience unremitting hunger or thrist.  Or perhaps they were frightened and unable to deal with the loneliness brought on by neglect; or perhaps they were exposed to constant conflict between their main caregivers.  By being abused or neglected; by not learning to trust, these little inner babushkas froze in time and now will not stop crying.  We hear their muffled cries through the dendrochronological layers, but instead of listening to their suffering, we shut their cries out with: cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, music, sex, overeating, novels, movies, chocolate and parties.  This is a sad thing because that inner babushka needs to be heard and it also needs minding and care; and if it never received enough of what it needed back then,  it is in the interests of the outer Matryoshka to somehow take care of its needs in the present.

Here's the thing.  We are not trees; nor are we painted wooden dolls.  We are multi-dimensional flesh-and-blood human beings who have our joy or suffer in the present moment, and is only in the present that healing may occur. It can only occur as the present, ongoing self makes loving contact with that archaic inner child.  

Ask yourself:  if my younger four-year old self (or any other age) was here with me right now, what would he or she want?  What might they say? What would he or she need? What material things could I give that child? What emotional needs could I meet?  What assurances are needed? Perhaps you will be surprised by the reality of this little you and the  answers you might receive.  Bobby Deep can always imagine the clothing of his inner little boy.  

Love that little child at whatever age it appears to you; be aware of its flesh and blood presence.  The inner child is not a theoretical construct, but a living being; and it would do you well to take care of this child who may be influencing your overall wellbeing from the inside out.